Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Hot List

Recently Dooce renewed interest in the freebies list. As I was reading through everyone's choices (and posted my own), I thought maybe it would be fun to further elaborate on my choices and the reasoning behind them.

First of all, the premise that these are folks you'd have free reign and full permission to sleep with outside of your marriage is bizarre to me (although I suppose that's part of what makes it fun). In reality, Tom is everything I could ever want in every way and I wouldn't cheat on him. Even with someone from the approved list. And I'm not just saying that because he's one of the 3 folks who regularly reads my blog. (*waves* hi honey! love you!)

Secondly, seriously, I'm such a squealy fangirl, if I ever had the chance to meet any of these men, I would dissolve into a puddle of sticky fangirl ooze. Sleep with them? I couldn't even speak to them.

Those disclaimers out of the way, here is my list (presented in no particular order):

Joe Perry
This is probably my choice with the shallowest motivation. It's also probably the choice that remains truest to the spirit of the game. The rest of the guys on this list appeal to me on two or more levels. Mr. Perry's appeal is completely visceral.

In other words, I like Joe Perry because he is H-A-W-T hawt.

There is not a thing about his physical appearance that doesn't do it for me. That lanky guitar god build (maybe "guitar god" is a little generous - I realize this - but "accomplished guitarist build" doesn't pack the same punch, now, does it?), that sculpted face, and that glorious head of hair. Damn, even his "Guitar Hero" avatar is hot. You know, for an avatar.

I'll confess that I always thought perhaps "Spinal Tap" was nodding at him when Bobbi Fleckman points her long manicured nail at Nigel Tufnel and says, "You. Don't talk so much". Nope. It's not his voice or his intellect that put this one on the list. Just pure and simple hot, hot, hot.

John Travolta
Well, this one started out 'cause I like 'em big and stoopid. Vinnie Barbarino fit the bill. Then there was the "American Bandstand" interview just before the movie "Carrie" came out where, when Dick Clark mentioned that "Carrie" was based on a book, the ever adorable Mr. Travolta corrected him, telling him that it was a novel, but they were gonna make it into a book. Bless his big dumb goofy heart, firmly encased in a way too tight turtleneck.

But as my tastes changed, Mr. Travolta did, too. I've always thought it was very generous of him to morph into whatever I needed him to be at the time. He grew up and became softer and more introspective. He gained weight and ditched the too tight turtlenecks. He took on a variety of roles and made me believe them all. And in every one (well, all the good ones, anyway) he danced.

Dance me, Johnny.

So. Thin, fat, young, old, sweet, evil, male, female - John Travolta has got it going on all over the place.

Nicolas Cage
The appeal of Mr. Cage seems to be something you get (hard!) or you don't. I've been known to describe Mr. Cage as "sex on a stick". Folks tend to either respond with "oh HELL yeah!" or "ew".

I was introduced to Nic Cage in the deeply disturbing "Wild at Heart". He played his character in a way that was so sincere it broke my heart. (why oh why do I keep hearing "his lust is so sincere" playing in a loop in my brain?)

I guess I just like dirty, dirty bad boys.

Elvis fetishes are strictly optional.


Johnny Depp
Well, I think it's the law or something that every woman and many men - even more than a couple straight men - include Johnny Depp and/or Brad Pitt on their list. (Brad would be my first alternate) Mr. Depp's appeal is certainly cross-generational. My 12 year old would have him on her list, too, if she were allowed to have a list, which she's totally not.

I scarcely think, given the near universal appeal Mr. Depp enjoys, I need to explain my choice. But I will - a little bit, anyway.

Just because it makes me happy.

I'd love to say I was a fan since "21 Jump Street", but I really didn't watch that. So I guess I've been a fan since he was that cute boy in the waterbed in the first "Nightmare on Elm Street". You know, the one that was actually scary.

I was trying to think of my favorite role, but when I started running them through my mind I couldn't remember one I didn't like. Some are certainly more obviously sexy than others ("Edward Scissorhands", "Chocolat" and "Pirates of the Carribean" jump to mind), but he's such an amazing actor beyond just being a great looking guy that it's difficult not to love his portrayal of Ed Wood, George Jung (the guy from "Blow") and Hunter S. Thompson. (3 guys who, let's face it, wouldn't make it to a lot of people's lists on their own merits. Well, maybe Hunter, if you were a certain sort. But I'm not)

Such a pretty boy. Such a talented actor. So gloriously weird.

Henry Rollins
Ok, I'll admit it. I'm a little intimidated to even be writing about Mr. Rollins. so meeting him, speaking to him or - you know - are completely, absolutely and utterly out of the question.

That being said, Mr. Rollins is the total package. Chiseled good looks, superior physique (because I am a master of understatement), talented writer and musician, and unflinching, articulate spokesperson for all things good and right.

I am so intimidated by his physical and mental perfection, as a matter of fact, that a little bit of me fears he's going to reach right through the interwebs, grab me by the throat, make and maintain eye contact, and call me out (loudly!) on being a wimpy, shallow, unworthy hypocrite.

Ahem.

Then I'd never wash said throat again.

I hate myself for loving you, you magnificent bastard.

The Alternate
If, for any reason, one of the above choices is unable to fulfill his duties, his spot may be taken by Brad Pitt. Because he's beautiful, he walks the walk, and his voice is like buttah.

Also, he brought Tyler Durden to life, and for that I will be eternally grateful.

So. That's my list.
Who's on yours?

4 comments:

shoesonwrong said...

Hugh Laurie
Alan Rickman (his voice is pure sex)
Christian Bale
Colin Firth (Mr. Darcy!)
That cute rocker guy from LOST

All of my choices are British, apparently, and most of them are old enough to be my father. I am not going to analyze that too much.

Denise said...

I'm pretty sure C will bust my chops for this list, because he'd be horrified that other men are even visible to me. So here goes:

1) Jakob Dylan
2) Luke Wilson
3) Christian Bale (Yes, despite the stupid sounding Batman voice)
4) Thom Yorke (House of Cards gives me chills)
5) Tie between Dave Grohl and Anthony Kiedis (but Anthony edges out Dave just slightly, a daresay by a _tubesock_)

Bass Is Life said...

My list has been posted at http://adventitiouscerebration.blogspot.com/

Brandy said...

Great list! The only one I'm not so sure about is Joe Perry. I just don't see it, but then again I've never seen him play in person.

It's something about guys being on stage that gives me a whole new perspective...