Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Get a Job? What For? I'm Trying to Think.

I've been thinking about considering contemplating looking for a job. We would benefit from the extra money and I would benefit from doing something more productive with my days than being a formidable online presence. This appears to be the manifestation of my mid-life crisis. I don't know what I want to do with the second half. I mean - I REALLY don't know - I don't even have any ideas. I know I don't want to teach anymore. But beyond that? I don't know. Oh! And food service. I don't want to do anything that has anything to do with food service.

Of course that's where I started out. That's where most folks start out, no? When I was fifteen I started working at a sub shop. In retrospect, it wasn't such a bad gig. Sure, there was the time I had to work the afternoon of my junior prom and my relief didn't come on time and I only had half an hour to get ready and I couldn't get the smell of onions out of my hands for love or money. That day sucked. But overall, it was a pretty decent gig - especially considering how young I was.

Even when I taught, I had a part-time gig on the side more often than not. Teachers moonlight a lot. Go figure.

Once I had a part-time gig at a lingerie store. This was a hoot, and I could tell you stories for days based on that job alone. Stories like this one:

We catered to the lingerie needs of the general public, but we also did pretty regular business with the local strippers, both male and female. Most just came in, bought what they needed and left. We had the largest selection of tear-away underwear in the metropolitan area, so we were a pretty popular spot. This stuff was not built to last, so we had a lot of repeat customers. Novelty items like thongs resembling a tuxedo or Pinocchio were big sellers. It was a classy place.

One day when I was alone in the shop (it was a small shop, so this was almost always the case), a guy came in and spent a little while perusing our wide selection of stripper-wear for men. He picked up a few items and asked me if he could try them on. This was unusual, because male strippers tend to follow the same rule with their underpants as body builders do with their T-shirts: If it's too big they're flattered (and believe me - nothing we sold was too big...), and if it's too small they'll wear it anyway. But, ok, go ahead and try them on. But dude! (I reminded him) State law requires that you keep your underwear on while trying them on. He nodded to indicate that he'd heard me.

A few moments later, the door of the dressing room opened and he was standing there in a pair of burgundy briefs. You might have called it a banana sling, but that's just because you weren't regularly selling thongs that resembled actual bananas. With faces. Happy, happy faces. (I told you it was classy.) He said, "What do you think?"

"It's nice."

He turned around. I nodded. I see you.

He went into the dressing room again and emerged just moments later wearing a yellow - let's call it a bikini, shall we? Again, "What do you think?" He ran his hands over his stomach. It was like I was getting a little audition or something. Maybe he was a new stripper and he was practicing. I didn't know.

"Very nice." I said, barely looking up.

He turned around and gave his tush a little shake. I rolled my eyes.

He went back into the dressing room. He only had one more item to try on, and I somehow knew I was gonna get flashed this time. His little exhibitions had gone a little further each time and I just knew... I also knew that the only reason he would do that would be to shock me. To get a reaction. To see if a rise out of him would yield a rise out of me. I knew I couldn't give him that. I couldn't let him win.

Predictably, he emerged from the dressing room wearing a red tear-away thong. "What do you think of this one?" he asked, posing.

"It's good. Red is a good color for you."

"And what do you think of THIS?" he said, proudly pulling back the velcro and standing in the middle of my store in all his glory. (That pride, for inquiring minds who might want to know, was not entirely misplaced. But that's neither here nor there.)

"I THINK", I said, without missing a beat and without letting a single expression cross my face, "that you're going to have to buy those, because you have clearly tried them on without underwear underneath, which is a violation of state law. As is exposing yourself in a public place."

His face, among other things, fell, and he returned to the dressing room. This time he came out fully dressed. He put all three items on the counter and paid for them without another word.

Come to think of it, maybe I don't want a job after all. I'm too old to deal with that shit.

What's the wildest thing that ever happened to you at work?


Badass Geek said...

The wildest thing? Hmm...

Probably the time I spent the better part of my shift cleaning urine out of a changing room stall when I worked for store security at Sears. Apparently, "hazardous waste cleanup" fell under my job title.

Cassie said...

When I was 16 I worked at the local grocery store as a cashier. I regularly rang up people who were part of the counties W.I.C. (stands for women, infants and children it helps them buy milk, juice, certain grain products and other dairy products to help with proper growth)program. The "rules" of the program only allow for certain items to be purchased. Cereal was ok but only non sugared cereal like Cheerios. So this lady came through my line with her W.I.C. voucher and wanted me to ring up Cookie Crisp cereal which was not allowed. I picked up the cereal to show her that it clearly contained metric tons of sugar. She quickly grabbed the box of cereal from my hands and proceeded to hit me repeatedly with it.
To this day because of my cereal attack only managers can ring up W.I.C. customers.

Anita said...

Oh my..........he was just TOO hot wasn't he!
I worked in retail for years.....one of the most annoying thing that happened was sadly when an elderly person passed away and their family attempted to return merchandise they might have bought and left in pkg or with tags on it. Once we had a woman come in with a few packages of panties, they were OLD, the plastic packaging was faded and falling apart and the numbers on them were so old, pre bar codes and many price changes. Certainly they were not re-saleable and yet this woman wanted her money for them. How very sad was this?? I mean she could have donated them.......please!
The best or wildest thing I ever did while working was during college. I spent the summer with my sister in TX and worked at the local JCP. I was working in men's on day and this very HOT young man came in and he was buying jeans......jeans that fit very nicely on his tight ass I might ass(blushes). We got to talking, he was new in town and didn't know a soul. He paid with a personal check and after he left I took the check out and wrote down his info. I then called him and asked him to go with me(us my sister and her dh) to a rodeo we were attending, and he said YES! Let's just see he was one wild ride.....yeee haw!

MiMi said...

Oh my hell, that is freakin' hilarious! I would have passed out, I swear.
I worked at a fast food joint once and I hated my hands stinking like onions and PICKLES all the time. The damn pickle bucket was a nightmare. Sticking your hands into that freezing cold pickle juice to fish out a handful of pickles. Ugh.
And we got robbed when I worked there. That was pretty wild.

Anonymous said...

I would have screamed and cried...you handled it so well!! I am a teacher so I have all sorts of stories...one of the best is when my dog ate a student's homework. No shit.

Unknown Mami said...

You handled it like a pro.

I used to work at Crabtree & Evelyn and I helped a man in a wheelchair buy some items. He sure was taking his time and asking to be led around the store. I was there alone and just before he had come in I had rushed into the bathroom to tinkle. Finally, he was done and paid. When he left, I put my hands on my hops and realized that my dress was tucked into my panties and I had just given him a tour of the store with very little covering my backside.

Rosa said...

That's an excellent story. Shouldn't you be submitting that to penthouse forum or something? :) I guess that would only be if you'd joined him in the dressing room. Such a quick thinker, you are. You totally took the wind out of his sails, so to speak.

Bass Is Life said...

Hmm...where to start. Working on a parking lot in Atlantic City for a number of years, I'd been robbed, punched, flashed (men and women), propositioned (men and women), groped (men and women) and had a gun pulled on me. I'd had a couple of cars stolen and once chased a man down the boardwalk for stealing a woman's purse. He ducked into a casino and got away.

5thsister said...

My, my...what a story! Very well handled, indeed.

Come to think of it, all my jobs have been hospital related except for a minor stint working the JCP cosmetic counter. We worked on commission and it would irk me to no end to have someone come in, spend an hour or so on them doing a facial and makeover only to have them leave empty handed.

carma said...

wishing something fun like that happened to me at work. The place where I work is like a dang morgue most days. Bring on the banana hammocks!!!!!

Gibby said...

Holy crap!!!

I don't think I have a story like that, even though I worked in retail for a long time in HS and college. My first job was as a gift wrapper in a department store, and let me tell you, gift wrapping during the Christmas season is hell. Tis the season to be jolly? My ass it is. People are JERKS.

Tater Tot Mom said...

That's hilarious!

The wildest thing that happened to me...I was an Assistant Manager at Burger King while in college. This crazy lady came through the drive through with posters put all over her car the read, "Don't eat at Ponderosa, they serve alligators" and other crazy crap like that. She then proceeded to say that I hadn't given her enough change back from her kid's meal(I hope to God it was for her and not actual kids). I even counted down the register and it was fine. She pulled out a big ziploc bag full of pills-gallon size not pint sized-and showed told me that there was no money in the bag. She started ranting aobut Bill Clinton being on the quarter and finally left after we threatened to call the police. She was a real nut job!

She almost rivaled the woman who came in to say that Will Smith (we were selling Wild West toys at the time) stole all his songs from her and that she wanted her money back. Crazy!

That's why I agree and will never work in food service again!

Sandy said...

Oh, Tammy, you handled that so well!

I have nothing like that but when I was in college I worked the parts desk of a motorcyle shop. Loved the job, I was always surrounded by men.

One day I answered the phone in the department to have the guy say, "this can't be the parts department. They shouldn't have girls working there." I assured him it was the right department and asked what he wanted.

He went on to ask about some kind of shaft for his bike. I found it in the computer, told him we had it and what the price was. Not the right price, about $15 more than it was supposed to cost. He didn't object and came to the shop and bought the shaft. Of course, the extra $15 didn't go into my pocket but into the company's cash register but I got great pleasure in telling people......

Wait for it....

I shafted him with the shaft.

Sandy said...

BTW...$15 extra may not sound like much but this was 1974, the piece probably was supposed to cost about $5.

mama-face said...


There is no competing with that story...which I should be grateful for I suppose. I had the heebie jeebies reading it; how did you keep your cool? Well, cuz you are cool of course.

I, too, am in that phase of I really should get a job but what would I want to do? I'm curious, why do you not want to go back to teaching?

I have to think about this wild thing.

Katie Lane said...

Lovely story, you tell it with such class. You must have picked that up from the job!!

Pam said...

Two thoughts:

1. That was so funny. Best laugh of the day.

2. What do you mean your too old for a job like that. Old ain't dead. I say you can't afford NOT to have a job like that. Heck I'd work extra shifts if I had a job with fringe benefits like that!

Joanna Jenkins said...

I'd have put my latex gloves on before I rung up his merchandise. What a hoot!

Sassy Chica said...

Nicely handled chica, like a pro!

Sassy Chica

kys said...

You are a cool little cookie, aren't you? I could not have pulled that off the way you did!

blueviolet said...

Did you disinfect the counter after that?

The Grown-Up Child said...

Tammy, you rock. I don't know what I would have done if that happened to me. Certainly not stay as cool and collected as you!

I don't have any stories that even compare with that. I'll be laughing about this all day tomorrow.

You're right. You don't need that shit! Stay here on the internet, where the only time you see men's junk is because you clicked it! ;)

Traci said...

Oh, Tammy!

First off, I would hate to see your formidable presence diminish but I understand. I just took a minimum wage job at my son's school for a few hours a week. I figure I'd e helping the school and creating a little cushion money.

Secondly, speaking of a formidable presence -- that story was too wild. When I was in college, I worked for Victoria's Secret. I had a gentleman (term used loosely)who came in looking for lingerie for his girlfriend. First off, I ask him what size she wears. He's not sure but she's about my build. I recommend that he avoid bras and panties as the room for error is use and potentially insulting.I suggest the chemises as they offer a lot more room for error. Oh, no, no. That's what he came for. Couldn't I help him? Again, I say you can't guess at bra sizes sir. Well, I think she's your size. So I direct him to my size. Oh, that doesn't sound right. He furthers that he would know for sure, if he felt them. "Can I feel yours?"

MaryRC said...

LOL... I worked at a Fredericks of Hollywood for a month. The return policy.. Oh the return policy.. Why is there even a "RETURN POLICY". Soiled garments.. need I say more, I quit! I never had your experience but was warned it was quite common.

Librarian... Thats my next life..

WhisperingWriter said...

Tear away underwear? Ha!

sheila said...

Oh, my goodness, lol. I need a cold beverage!

SparkleFarkle said...

At this stage in The Game, thoughts of having to get a job, lingerie store experience or no, get my underwear in a wad. Sounds like you don't want to go to there, either. LOL! Everytime my husband puts the pressure on ME to be "gainfully" employed, a small goattee sprouts on my chin and I involuntarily eek the word "WORK!!!" (Click on "ME".)Thanks, but no thanks! LOL!

Melissa B. said...

I'd like to say "adios" to the teaching janx. Want my job?

Hit 40 said...

I think I am having a mid life crisis too!!! I don't want to teach anymore. I am tired and exhausted from the politics of it all.

If you get any good ideas, PLEASE LET ME KNOW!! I was thinking just teaching at the local community college would be better!!!!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Now that is a job that would be quite entertaining! ;)

The wildest thing that ever happened was at my first job when I was 16 - I worked for a place called Pay'N'Save (they're defunct now, it was similar to RiteAid). There was something about a protest since the store was fairly new and had been built on a former horse farm - this girl rode her horse into the store...and since you had to go through the cash register lanes to get to the exit doors, it was quite funny trying to figure out how to get the horse out of the store since the cash register lanes were too narrow for the horse. They made her wait in the store with her horse until the police showed up, then they manually opened the entrance doors for her to be led out. :)

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