Thursday, August 5, 2010

Might as Well (Not) Jump

I was going to write a nice little post about my High School reunion. It was gonna be full of old friends and jello shots and puppies and gobs and watermelontinis. You would've loved it. I was going to mention the sound grown women make when they greet each other after such a long time apart (kind of a hybrid of the tween/teen squeeeee! and the college girl/young adult woman wooooo! - and don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, 'cause you do). I was going to mention the things that change and the things that don't. I was going to talk about actually putting your arms around someone you've been virtually (((hugging))) for two years - and feeling theirs around you. I might've made a gentle winking reference to reading glasses and pill-minders and hot flashes. It would've been the feel good post of the year.

It would've been those things - it was all written out in my head - I just needed to find some computer time.

Between the time I wrote it in my head and I actually got computer time, though, something awful happened.

Classmates posted their pictures.

And I died.

There were seriously tears as I looked through the first batch, and numb resignation as I looked through each subsequent batch. That is NOT me. How can that be ME?

The pictures weren't the only reminder that things had indeed changed (for me). A lot. Let's just put it this way: If you're significantly overweight and have degenerative arthritis in your knees and David Lee Roth tells you you might as well jump, you should probably ignore him because it will be a very bad idea and hurt for a week. It won't hurt as much as looking at those pictures, but still...

Damn, I wish I could find a way to make the outside match the inside.

I'm not - this.

I'm nothing like this.

I guess you're just going to have to trust me on that one. Can you trust me more than you trust your eyes? Can you take that leap? Can I? Or will what's inside eventually morph into something as ugly as what's outside - just to bring balance to this dichotomy?

I know - there are people in the world with real problems. Hell, there are people in my very immediate world with real problems. People I love are hurting - and I am literally brought to tears because of what I look like. It is shallow and ridiculous and vain. I need to get over myself and put it in perspective.

And yet...

People tell me the pictures are great, and I die even more - because in most cases, the people who are saying this would die - DIE - if they looked in the mirror and saw something that looked like me gazing back at them. (Wow - drama much? Read that sentence again and see if you can't manage to swoon just a little. You know. Before you DIE!)

I just need to avoid cameras. They are a serious buzzkill. And - despite all I've said here - the reunion really DID provide a pretty darn good buzz.

And as badly as my knees hurt now? I'm still glad I jumped.

12 comments:

Eva Gallant said...

Focus on the fun you had--not the photos. Did you see my post about my 47th reunion? the title was 47 years and counting. check it out.

msprimadonna67 said...

Oh boy--did you read my mind after my reunion last month? This all sounds so familiar...

elastamom.com said...

Aw man. That sucks Mommakin.

elastamom.com said...

Aw man. That sucks Mommakin.

elastamom.com said...

And yeah!! It let me post a comment finally!!!!!

Linda said...

I know what you see is very real for you but let me tell you what I saw; my dear, lovely friend with whom I shared not just more fun in one weekend than in many recent years but also the same very cool, very witty chick who shares my memories of lots of fun times. (and isn't my opinion more important than the opinion you imagine others have of you?)

筱朝宜財 said...

人生中最好的禮物就是屬於自己的一部份............................................................

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh Tammy-- I know what you mean so please don't think I'm minimizing it by saying people all change over time and I'm guessing/hoping they've matured as well. Keep your mind on the fun parts of the reunion and the people you were really happy to connect with.

And don't be so tough on yourself. Easier said then done, but be kind. xoxoxoxooxoxoxox jj

Joanna Jenkins said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Joanna Jenkins said...

Sorry, that was me who deleted my duplicate comment. Blogger is running really slow today.
jj

mama-face said...

oh, I had to read this with tears in my eyes. My 30th reunion was also this year and I didn't even go in large part because I don't want anyone to judge me for my appearance. Which, some to think of it, is exactly how I felt in H.S. One thing to remember is that we (I'm speaking for hopefully everybody) don't judge those we love or know well for their looks. So those that matter/mattered to you know the real you and love you anyway. Besides you ARE beautiful-so I love your smile, your dark hair, your wit, your deep thoughts... plus you are so COOL.

I used to hide from the camera until I realized that it looked like my children had no mother. :-)

Ah. A comment turned into a post. This touched a nerve in me and I did not express myself very well at all. sigh.

gayle said...

My reunion is next year and I am not even sure I want to go.