Thursday, March 17, 2011

Anatomy of an Update

So Tom and I just watched Fat Head - an answer to (and parody of) Super-Size Me - which attempted to put a little perspective on the whole issue of fast food. After watching Super-Size Me, we gave up fast food completely (completely!) for a year (a WHOLE year!). We felt very good about this and may or may not have engaged in a little 'superior dance' once or twice over the course of that year. The point is - Super-Size Me worked. It threw a serious scare into us. I clearly remember the day we found ourselves in a position where there just really didn't seem to be any other choice - too many back to back errands/traffic/appointments - I don't remember the particulars, but what I do remember is that first bite into a McDonald's double cheeseburger after a year of deprivation. I have no words in my meager arsenal to begin to describe the sinful lusciousness that that first bite imparted.

Picture the traditional depiction of Eve in the garden of Eden with the apple - except instead of Eve, it's me and instead of the garden of Eden, it's the drive-thru and instead of an apple, it's a double cheeseburger.

Anyway, we all agreed that the few opportunities we'd had to do the 'superior dance' didn't in any way make up for the convenience and deliciousness of fast food. We didn't go nuts. We used it as an occasional thing - once or twice a month on the average. Sure, every now and then I'd look at a french fry dropped by one of the kids in the back seat and think (with no small pang of guilt) "that is never going to decompose". But then I'd remind myself that it's not like I'm feeding them this stuff 3 times a day, or every day, or even every week. It's fine.

Fat Head confirmed this, and I tend to like things that confirm what I already believe.

It also reminded us that carbs are evil.

Not all carbs and everything in moderation and all of that, but, you know.

So we decided it might be time to try to watch. (We don't say diet around here. Diets don't work. And also they suck and I hate their ugly faces. But, you know, how bad can it be to 'watch'?) We agreed to start tracking our food intake. There's an app for that! It'll be fun!

After about 2 days of 'watching' our carb intake (as well as calories and fat and - hey! Is this starting to sound like a die-die-diet to anyone?) Tom said "screw this action", bought some new pants, and ate a sandwich. I am still recording every morsel that passes my lips because I need to have something with which to be obsessed - besides - I was starting to feel a little less miserable and we can't have that. Nothing like a little obsessive deprivation to return things to the status quo.

So last night I was feeling so carb-deprived I couldn't think of anything else. I wanted pancakes and cupcakes and birthday cakes and wedding cakes and snack cakes and cake wrecks and cakecakecakecakecake. I did not, for any inquiring minds that may want to know, indulge in any. The desire for it did not override the fear of what it would look like in my food diary. Being the sort of person who has no trouble changing from one obsession to another, I decided to unwind and get my mind off things (things like buttercream frosting and rich devil's food and raspberry filling and.......) by spending a little time on Facebook.

I typed in my status update:

God did not design us to exist on this few carbohydrates.


If I hit enter on this one, I'll bring on a rash of shit from my friends who don't believe that any god designed us one way or another. The "G" word tends to send them into conniptions. I don't want to deal with that. Let's try:

We have evolved into a species that should not be expected to exist on this few carbohydrates.


If I hit enter on this one, I'll bring on a rash of shit from my friends who believe that people rode dinosaurs. The "E" word tends to send them into conniptions. I don't want to deal with that. Let's try:

I want cake.


If I hit enter on this one, no one will say anything right to me (although they might - there are a lot of assholes at this punchbowl known as the internet) but I could just hear, "Fat chicks. Always with the cake."

I ended up avoiding the issue and shutting the laptop for the night.

Screw this action, I'm gonna have a sandwich. (No, not an ice cream sandwich. But a girl can dream.)


Julie said...

I read the parts of your post where you started to post one thing, then changed it because of what your friends would say then started to post something else... So here's what this newbie friend thinks:

Screw worrying about what your friends might post/think and write whatever the hell you feel like writing.

Life's too short (and so am I!) to spend so much time editing for what others might think or do. You are a wonderful, opinionated woman. I really like that about you. Opine. Opine loudly. Someone whines? They can deal with it--it's a turn of a phrase, not a new religion for God's sake.

Now go eat a pan of brownies with cream cheese frosting. :-D

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Hello Jodi said...

OMG, cake!!!!! It's my favorite food. But I am constantly "watching," mostly because I also like to indulge. I don't yo-yo really, but it's all about balance. Here are some substitutes that may or may not fulfill that urge:
You can play around with the sugar, half with Splenda, just use half, whatever.
I've been wanting to try that...
She has lots of substitute recipes as well.

I recently starting following a female trainer who has a great podcast and she confirmed for me that it doesn't matter what the hell you eat (in most cases), as long as you watch calories. I just know I have longer satiety with a good protein/fiber balance: turkey bacon with whole grain toast, turkey on colon-blow wrap, etc. Doesn't mean I can't have a cookie. Daily.

Eva Gallant said...

Cake doesn't tempt me at all....but chocolate..truffles, kisses, Cadbury eggs! And potato chips! I seriously wonder if it's really worth it to deprive ourselves!

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

The first one was funny, and it said what you wanted to say. Anyone who decided to argue about god would have been missing your point, so there. But congrats on trying to eat healthier. Not easy, especially for about the first three weeks.

Joanna Jenkins said...

I love cake. And I loved Super-Size Me, but I did not give up Mc D's for a whole year. You are good. I think I lasted about 6 weeks.

I'm really hoping the cake is chocolate :-)

xo jj