Friday, August 10, 2012

Do I Look Good in Green?

I'd always heard about the phenomenon of mothers becoming jealous or even resentful of their daughters as they come of age. I sort of thought it was bullshit. I understand that it's their turn - their turn to be beautiful, vital, relevant. Sometimes there's a little twinge - I wish I could wear their cute clothes or that I had their soft skin - but those feelings are fleeting. In all, no jealousy.  I look at the  grown women who get caught up in all of that as vain and silly.

Today, though...

Today I sort of related to those women.

We took Lea on her first college visit today.

And I was excited for her.

As we walked from building to building, hearing the stories and traditions of the institution, I felt so much anticipatory joy for her.

But I wanted it to be for me.

I wanted to be anticipating those years instead of looking back on them fondly.

I really, really wanted it.

Now don't go telling me about the opportunities available to non-traditional students.

I know all about that.

That wasn't what I wanted.

But you knew that.

I wanted the whole - thing.

I wanted it bad.

There was talk of classes and dorms and social clubs and service clubs and academic teas - Oh. My. God, ya'll. Academic Teas. I almost squeed right out loud. I never attended an academic tea. It's hard to picture my girls attending one. But it's nice to know they exist, in all their leather elbow-patched glory. No, they'll probably never attend a tea. Oh, but what they will do...

I had it, though. I had my turn. I lived those years without regrets - happy, happy years. They are not, however, years one can extend or relive. It's a snapshot. I can pull it out and look at it and remember it fondly, but I can't have it back.

And that's as it should be, of course.

It's almost my girls' turn.

I'll relive it as a mom.

It won't be the same.

Despite what I'm told is a striking resemblance, neither of them is me.

It won't be the same.

But it will be good.

I'll try to keep the jealousy under control.

And if I fail from time to time, well, I always did look good in green...





9 comments:

Sparkle Farkle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Julie said...

Although it's not the same as being there, Becky was always great about sharing what was happening in her life--especially the pictures. So although I didn't attend the Harry Potter Party at Otterbein, it was really cool seeing how everyone dressed up. I do wish I could have tried the food at that one...

Is Lea looking at the music program at Cap? It is something they do really well there. Have fun on all your visits and be glad you are starting early!

Ironically we almost went today too. But Calli's interests have changed since we first started her search and Cap does not have a Women's Studies program--so they are out.

Julie said...

Yo, Sparkle! Take a chill pill.

Tammy Howard said...

Thanks for your support, Julie. Some people's kids, huh? I'm really psyched for her (thought that was kind of obvious)

Lea is looking at social work with a music minor. Our fingers are crossed.

Sparkle Farkle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Eva Gallant said...

What the hell????? Did Sparkle Farkle get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, or forget to take her meds?

I hope you didn't let her bitchiness mess up your day! Hugs.

I don't blame you for being excited for and a little jealous of your daughter...we all wish we could go back and do it over, knowing what we know now!

carma said...

I hear ya on this - my son will soon be headed off to college - and I'm beginning to wonder if I bypassed on a lot of fun experiences by staying at home and commuting to college (I'm sure I did) - but I know it will also be fun living it through his eyes

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I really enjoyed my daughter's time in college. We did some primitive internet chatting, and I loved making up care packages for birthdays, holidays, and exam weeks. Oh yes, it's all flooding back to me. Thanks for the reminder, and I hope you enjoy the heck out of your kids' college days!

elastamom.com said...

I totally get this. I feel that way anytime I'm back on campus...can't imagine how strong it would be with your own daughter.