The three stages of womanhood - the three bloodrites- how difficult it is to pass from one to the next! I have been in the transitory phase between the second and the third for six or seven years now. They (the ever elusive "they") tell me when I finally make the transition, everything will be fine again - better than ever, actually (they say). But getting there is taking way too long, and it's way too hard. And what's my reward? The title of CRONE for Pete's sake?!?
I have attempted to make this transition naturally - without drugs - but finally - a couple months ago - I broke down and requested a prescription for some low dose hormones. My doc fully supported this decision. I didn't want to do it, but I'd gone 8 months without getting more than 2 consecutive hours of sleep. Some days I could barely remember my name. I thought once the hormones were in my system the return to a reasonable sleep schedule would be instant. Silly crone. Sleep is for maids! It's been almost 2 months now and I'm sleeping about 5 hours a night. Once I wake up I have a difficult time going back to sleep - often I don't. It's still better than the every 2 hours sleep/wake cycle, but it's not nearly as good as I'd hoped for.
For some reason, I've been vividly remembering my 23rd birthday recently. A fresh young maid (tongue more firmly in cheek with each word), I went out to celebrate with my 2 roommates. We were having a great time, until one of them told the DJ it was my 23rd birthday. He announced it and said something like "if you see Tammy, wish her a happy 23rd". Pretty innocent. Except that I was mortified. I was so angry with them for telling him how old I was. I felt like everyone in the place was looking around, trying to locate the old chick (the crone, if you will). So I've been feeling old nearly half my life. Which is funny to me, because I think I sometimes err on the side of feeling/acting/dressing too young. Too old, too young; almost never just right.
I really need to find some friends my own age. As a person who entered the "Mother" stage a little on the late side, the mothers of my children's friends tend to be younger than me. Everyone I work with at the pizza shop is (obviously) younger than me - many of their MOM'S are younger than me (YIKES!). Yet, I still feel like a young 'un when I hang out with folks who are older than me. I really don't have much opportunity to actually spend time with women my own age, and I think I really need that. I think maybe that would help me put some of these issues in perspective. Maybe it would help me figure out how to feel "just right" about the age I actually am.
Then again, maybe not.