Saturday, March 27, 2010

Every Tom, Dick and Ozzy

Warning - the following content is - well - just be warned, is all.

It's wonderful to marry and then proceed to give birth to the sort of people who enjoy the same things that you do and - better yet - who can make you laugh. I've established that my family is musical, but we are also all avid readers. We've always talked about the books we read with each other, and we particularly encourage Liv to do so because she has a lot of trouble when she is asked to summarize a book for school. "What was the book about?" generally prompts an answer that lasts twenty minutes and leaves one feeling like - without having read the book oneself - one could still probably write a pretty decent summary of the summary.

She's working on it.

So we were out to dinner last night and she had just finished a lengthy explanation of the book she'd just finished. Tom jumped on the conversation train and decided to share an anecdote from the book he'd just finished, I Am Ozzy - Ozzy Osbourne's autobiography.

"He was talking about Jack's birth and their decision to have him circumcised. Sharon is half Jewish or something, I don't know - Ozzy sort of writes like he talks. Anyway - he talked about the fact that he himself had several brothers who were not circumcised, but that he was. He asked his mother about it and she shrugged and said it was what was in fashion at the time."

I took a nice long sip of my margarita as he continued.

"So Ozzy said, 'Wait? Because it was in FASHION you cut off the end of my DICK?'"

I forced myself to swallow that mouthful of margarita rather than following my natural impulse to spit. Insert your own spit/swallow joke here - I'll wait.

"Wow. I'd like to thank you for waiting till I had a mouthful of libation before saying 'dick' in front of my daughters."

Laughs all around. When the laughter died down, though, Liv said, "I didn't completely understand all of those words, though."

Ever helpful, her sister answered, "Well, a dick is another name for a boys..."

"Not THAT word!"

Not that word indeed.



24 comments:

Eva Gallant said...

Too funny! I don't know if I could read Ozzy's autobiography. I can barely stand to look at him!

Ginger said...

One of the times I was in London (feeling pretty good about myself after getting to use that phrase.. no worries, though, Karma will bite back soon enough) someone had just broken into Ozzy's house and had stolen some of Sharon's jewelry or something. It was the headline in the news that week, and the BBC kept rolling the same clip of Ozzy slurring something about the incident. I have no idea what he was saying, except to note that he was displeased, as one might be if someone broke into his/her house.

To me, this "interview" was hilarious. To others with me, it was annoying. In any case, what the hell was he talking about? That said, I can see how the circumcision topic could come up (no pun intended)in a dinner setting. Also, I can see how one wouldn't understand all of the words being said in connection to to Ozzy.
:)
What an interesting read, though.

Ginger said...

Oh also, for what it's worth, for my students who are struggling with summary, I tell them to limit it to 3 or 4 sentences. They sometimes have to write it out first, and then combine and condense their paragraph into a shorter form. It is difficult to answer who, what, when, where, and why in four sentences, but students are surprised when they can do it.

My 18 year old honors kids have trouble with summary because they want to show that a.) They know the material and b.) They're interested. It's kind of a good thing that they have trouble with summary..

:) Of course you know all of this, though, as you used to teach too. I'll shut up now.

mama-face said...

If you want to know anything about Ozzy you would definitely have to read it...you certainly couldn't understand it you tried to have him tell you in person.

Which is basically what you said already, I guess I can't get his silly mumbling way of talking outta my head now. :)

Pam said...

What I want to know is how you explained it to them in a restaurant without drawing lots of attention to yourselves when they screamed in horror. Inquiring minds....

singedwingangel said...

roflmbo I would have lost it at the table..

Sandy said...

Ok, threes the charm for this comment.....grrr, internet.

Anywho, thanks for my morning laugh out loud.....a plain LOL won't do.

I'm with Pam....were there people around you leaning in to listen?

5thsister said...

Funny, Tammy. Very funny! I worry about you! LOL!

BONNIE K said...

I agree that there is no greater joy than sitting around with my family and laughing. I end up thinking "wow, we're like a real family." We are really all very different but we were blessed with the same sense of humor. And I think Ozzy's book would be fascinating to read, even tho I can't understand a word he says.

sitting on the mood swing at the playground said...

Very funny! Now I can't get Ozzie's mumbling out of my head.

MiMi said...

I'm just reading your comments and am glad to see that a huge debate about circ/in-tact hasn't happened. I know that wasn't the point, it's just funny cuz some people really take the crazy train on that one!

Two Normal Moms said...

I think I would have spit... so hilarious!
***Ally

SparkleFarkle said...

You know what would be sensational? If you actually spoke this blog while another person transcribed what you said, because that would make it a dick-tation!

You can groan now, if you want. LOL!

Congratulations for being named Blogger of Note!

Abraham said...

My daughter had the same problem with her daughter trying to explain dick without going overboard. Not sure she got it. She is only 10.

Tortuga said...

Haha! I have the visions of the Ozzy world of warcraft commercial in my head but he's talking about circumcision instead. Oh my mind, how it boggles me. What a hilarious story!

MaryRC said...

I picked that book up in the airport yesterday and fought the urge to buy it. Not that I'm against reading it, just that I have a pile of books I need to catch up on.

In an effort to be just like your family, I'm reading a book my 13 year old son recommended to me. I want book conversation in our lives.. I cherish it..

~Kristen~ said...

Had to chuckle with Mimi above and her likening the debate on circ/intact to a "crazy train" in a post about Ozzy!!! So now I got a great laugh from the posts and from most of the comments!!!

Can I just say that I love how your family will sit in a restaurant and discuss Ozzy and circumcision and all laugh together!!! I love that! And, this could be totally juvenile sense of humor shining through but the "spit/swallow" thing cracked me up, too!

Tsquared417 said...

How did you not spit??? :) What was the other word??

Mandy's Life After 30 said...

Oh my! You all deserve your own sitcom, I swear. That is priceless!

I just bought my dad the Black Sabbath Greatest hits CD as my way of thanking him for all his help with my 5k race. We are Ozzy fans as well, for the music and for his ever colorful comments! :-)

Unknown Mami said...

Seriously, you need to write a show about your family and pitch it to the networks. I'd watch.

gayle said...

Oh so funny!!

Tater Tot Mom said...

So hilarious!

JoeyRes said...

I can't imagine Ozzy's writing! Amazing anything was understandable and not surprising a summary included objectionable language!

Traci said...

I'm laughing so hard that my side hurts! At least you had a margarita with you.
:-)
Traci