Sunday, March 21, 2010

It Ain't Easy, Livin' Like a Gypsy

Especially when confined by the restraints of money and obligations and responsibilities.

Nope, it ain't easy at all.

And I am indeed a gypsy in my soul. I've mentioned this before. Once, or twice, or a hundred-million times...

I am restless.

I need to be somewhere - other.

My children are in school. My husband has a career. I even have a couple jobs now myself. We have friends here, a house; all the makings of a home. Home is good, right? Home is what we strive for. So why am I so restless?

Perhaps it's as simple as us not having any vacations planned this year.

Perhaps it's because I've lived here longer than I've lived anywhere. I've lived here almost as many years as I lived in my childhood home. After I left that home, I never lasted more than three years in one location. Sometimes it was just a move to a new apartment, but always there was a move, a change, a shift. And always there was travel. When there was no money for an actual vacation there were friends who had migrated to different places, and I was never adverse to crashing on a sofa.

My house has the feel of something unfinished. It's like I've never actually settled in here and made it my own. I don't completely want to. The world is my home; this place I live now is just a house. I have no energy for it. I have no love for it. I wish I did. I give it just about nothing and it gives me just about the same in return. I envy people with beautiful homes - homes that reflect who they are. I have a house. God, I hope my house doesn't reflect who I am. I think I'm afraid that if I actually loved a place I lived, I'd never want to leave it.

And I always want to leave.

I don't want to leave my husband or kids - I don't want anyone, least of all them to think that. Billy Joel said it better than I ever could in his 1973 song, You're My Home:

Well I never had a place that I could call my very own, but that's alright my love 'cause you're my home.

He even refers to "the crazy gypsy in my soul" in that song. Oh, Billy, you know me better than I know myself. Well, Billy Joel circa the mid-seventies/early eighties knew me better than I knew myself. Then he married that Uptown Girl and we were no longer really on the same track anymore. I think he went changin' to try to please her, I don't know. And look how THAT turned out.

But I've digressed.

Yes, my family is my home, and I want them around me, but I want them around me somewhere - other.

I am so over - here.

I just finished reading The Geography of Bliss by Eric Weiner. In this book, he visits ten countries in search of geographical bliss. One of the many conclusions he came to - and one that really resonated with me - was that there is no one perfect place to live, although there might be a perfect place for any given individual to live. Some people and places click - they fit. Some people fit in different places at different times. I believe that is me. When I think of the places I'm happiest, I'm almost certain I wouldn't be happy there if I stayed a decade or so. Maybe I use places up, I don't know.

I do know that I am restless.

I laughed right out loud when Mr. Weiner stated:
As any poet (or blogger) knows, misery expressed is misery reduced.
Indeed. And I am not miserable. Now that the sun is back and I'm on a more positive job track, I'm downright content, if not full-on happy.

No, I am not miserable.

But I am restless.

Perhaps restlessness expressed is restlessness reduced.

I'll let you know.

21 comments:

MiMi said...

I laughed at Mr. Weiner's name. I'm guessing it's pronounced Whiner...but I'm still pronouncing it Weeeener.
I thought I was restless...I've only lived here for 5 years and I'm thinking we need to move. :/
I have a post scheduled for Tuesday and I used your quote from FB about Sookie in it. It was just too perfect. I got ya linked up and everything. :)

mama-face said...

you get to me every time. How is it that I am so often feeling the same you things are? huh?

First comment I've made (anywhere) in a while. Feels good. :)

mama-face said...

haha. that's me. I forgot about the crazy picture. *wink*

Pam said...

I am the exact opposite. I hate change. I also think I'm one of those people who is living in just the right place for her. To be fair, I did live somewhere very different for 14 years. And I felt like a fish out of water for every single day. Now I'm back and it feels right. The thought of moving and starting over, makes me hyperventilate. I wish I had your adventurous spirit.

singedwingangel said...

OH I love my home.. I love my hillside and the cows acroos the road. I love the fact that my kids can play and run and scream and not bother anyone else... I love it here..

Eva Gallant said...

I have moved 20 times in my adullt life; some times by choice, sometimes of necessity. Now that I am retired, I have lived in this home for 14 years, and I guess I'll probably move someday down the road to senior houseing if and when this place gets to be too much to take care of . But I'm not looking forward to it. It's not that I'm totally attached to this place, I'm just out of energy!

開心唷 said...

以簡單的行為愉悅他人的心靈,勝過千人低頭禱告........................................

Tsquared417 said...

I am the exact opposite...I stay put. But I do understand the feeling restless...I think it's b/c I work at home. I never leave!!! We are going camping in a couple of weeks and I am estatic.

And what you said about Billy Joel, pure genius!!

Bass Is Life said...

I bounced around a lot growing up. And while I did call Jersey my home for a long time, I lived in a lot of different places there.

Sandy said...

First of all, I love how you weave music all through your posts....and I'm always very excited when I have the song running in my head as I'm reading it.

Anyway, I understand some how you feel. I have lived in this house almost 25 years. Part of me is very proud of that and part feels like I'm stuck in the mud.

I have had restless periods in those 25 years and it was a stressful time for me. There was nothing I could really do about it as far as making changes so I just dealt with it and tried not to let is affect my life too much.

Funny that you should post this today. Just last evening I was chatting with an old friend from HS. She moved from the East Coast to LA 25 years ago and can't imagine having stayed here. I've never aspired to live in LA, that's for sure, but I did say I sincerely hope I don't live and die in the same place without having lived somewhere in between. Time will tell about that.

However, you know how I love to travel. It's very important to me to have something planned to look forward to. Doesn't have to be exotic, just something. And I do have a rule that I have to see somewhere new every year. Again, doesn't have to be all that exciting (last year it was northern GA) but somewhere!

Sorry to run on but you hit a nerve! (as you so often do)

Ronnica said...

I've always been more of a home-body than a wanderer (though I do like to travel). I like "home" wherever it is (and it's been many places, as a 20-something single). I want home to be a place that I'm comfortable and thrive in.

sitting on the mood swing at the playground said...

Oh, I hear ya. I was born to be a gypsy too but my parents didn't know that. When I was on my own, I moved everytime my lease was up.

gayle said...

Isn't it funny how we are all so different! I hate change and I am never restless!! I hated my house but my husband finally remolded it for me and now I love it and never want to leave!! Maybe you just need a different house but same area.

MaryRC said...

ugh! I used to feel that way until we happened upon boulder city. now i dont want to leave. just when i think i could live there the rest of my life. the universe is trying to kick me out. the gypsy universe that is..

hope you find some peace in your restlessness..

carma said...

I know I always sound like a broken record with my comments -- but you and I - we have much in common. I've always been restless - will always be. Drives my husband crazy. He could have literally stayed in the first house we moved into until the day he died. Me, not so much. Always onto what's next. And just like that dude said, it probably won't make me any happier but at least it will provide some much-needed new experiences...for the blog if nothing else!

Cassie said...

I have always said I could totally do without a home. As long as I had a backpack with a change of clothes, book, the hubs and daughter I could just keep moving. Thinking that my ADHD probably plays in there somewhere.

Because I am a total nerd I looked up what 開心唷 (which apparently menas happy)said.
It says: The behavior of a simple pleasure of others minds, than thousands of people to bow their heads Prayer.
Not sure what that's about but at least it isn't dirty :o)

Tater Tot Mom said...

In some ways, I can totally relate to wanting to be somewhere else but I more often than not like to shut myself away in my little haven. I like to visit places but come back to my hub here at home. To me, there's nothing else like that feeling of coming home.

Unknown Mami said...

Tammy's gotta keep on rollin'!

Tracie said...

When I start getting restless I move the furniture around and dye my hair. Both are usually disasters.

erw said...

I've led a similar life--moving around a lot in my 20s, and now I'm in my early 30s, living back "home" finally. I've been here for three and a half years. Once in a while I miss the adventure, but you're right that travel can fill that need. You may have just inspired a little visit to travelocity.

The Empress said...

I am greatly influenced by music, as you are. I could go on and on about that, but this is a comment, not a post, so I'll leave it at that.

I enjoy your posts, and it's so nice to have someone that I feel the same in my heart about so many things.

I'll see you again soon.

Thanks for putting all of yourself out there.