Saturday, April 24, 2010

The Real Housewives of Central Ohio

I have to confess right up front: I've never actually seen any of the Bravo network's Real Housewives shows. I'm aware of them - I don't live under a rock - but I've never been able to muster up enough interest to watch.

From what I gather, they chronicle the lives of rich, spoiled women with more money and time than brains. That may be inaccurate - as I said, I've never actually watched. Just one woman's uninformed but nonetheless confidently stated opinion.

But what of us? Those families and couples who manage to get by on one income - and choose to do so - but don't have a lot left over for indulgences. What of us? Surely there are more of us than there are of them. Surely there are people out there who want to know - our stories.

'Wait!' you might be saying at this point, 'isn't that what blogs are for?'

To which I reply, 'Simmer down, Captain Buzzkill. Let me enjoy my parody. Sheesh. I ask for so little.'

Today's episode opens with four women enjoying an al fresco lunch on a balcony in a popular suburban shopping destination. One of them - we'll call her me - is carrying a fabu new bag that she bought for herself as a consolation prize following an aborted shopping spree.

Me-she is the oldest member of the group which includes women in their 20's, 30's and 40's. This is not an unusual situation for me-her. This is partially due to the fact that I-she am-is so hip it hurts. Or not. Whatever.

Conversation revolves around the temporary part-time job that has brought these women together. They are divorcees, newlyweds and family women. Their backgrounds are diverse and similar. Together? They are everywoman.

They pantomime toking on joints when the conversation turns to their boss, a very mellow chick indeed. She is never seen, but sometimes her Hakuna Matada voice is heard on the other side of a phone conversation. She is a Zen Charlie to our Suburban Angels.

Conversation turns to our lives since we've last convened, prompting a series of flashbacks. One has gotten a full-time job and is moving into a new home. This is huge! Surely we could squeeze a couple episodes out of that!

One orders a third mojito while alluding to a family crisis. The camera zooms in on her empty glasses. Foreshadowing? Tune in next week. DUN Dun dun...

One regales us with stories of her latest travels. I'm sensing a great opportunity for a montage...

One can't wait to get home and sit on her porch swing with a book. She suggests wistfully that the next time we get together we should wear hats. The camera loves hats. Hats amp up the drama. Her suggestion is agreed upon. Hats it is.

We go our separate ways to engage in such exciting pursuits as mowing the lawn before the rain hits, meeting the school bus, and getting dinner on the table. It is riveting stuff, I tells ya. Riveting.

Hey Bravo - call me! I'm ready to talk.

18 comments:

singedwingangel said...

Wait hold on, you get to go shopping AND have a few drinks with friends?? I .Am.So.Jealous.

Bass Is Life said...

So this is like...Sex and the Cow-town

elastamom.com said...

I think I should be on the show too...they could show me drinking wine at noon b/c I just discovered 3 turds on my stairs after Olivia took off her diaper and threw it down the stairs!! ;) Now THAT'S real!!

5thsister said...

lunch and drinks with friends...

laughter and levity...

can I be your friend, too?

sitting on the mood swing at the playground said...

Can I join you next time? I'll bring a hat and am good at ordering drinks.

Gibby said...

LOL, I love this! I would watch your show, that is for sure. My hubs always claims that I could pull together one of these shows with our neighborhood. Minus all of the money and daily mani/pedis, that is. But we do have drama!

mama-face said...

Foreshadowing...dundundun LOL

We should do lunch. I just threw some laundry in the washing machine...dundundun.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I've never seen it either, but I'd watch your show...especially if you're wearing hats!

Tortuga said...

LOL, I am glad I'm not the only one that feels that way about those asinine shows. I can't imagine why people watch them, I mean, I know people do, but WHY???

I like your version much better!

The Empress said...

For reals.

Can I be on, you know, as a visiting friend???

Eva Gallant said...

Loved this post! lol Confession: I have watched the Housewives of NYC! I find it hysterical! They are such shallow bitches! I don't get to watch it often, but when I do, it always makes me laugh! One of the women is a "countess" and has written a book about class. She is so full of herself, actually they pretty much all are. I'm sure it wasn't meant to be a comedy, but that's the way it strikes me!

MiMi said...

I know!! I know I know, I want to see a show about NORMAL housewives!
Those ones on the shows, I swear, they really ARE dumb. They do things to make their lives more interesting like naming their kids something French so you can't hardly pronounce it and also teaching them to speak only French. What's that about?
Anyway, yep, you were the one who insisted hats aren't you? And, I need a picture of the bag. I love bags.
Can I be on your show? We could be The Normal Housewives of O states.

BONNIE K said...

One of my embarrassing secrets is that I LOVE the housewives shows. I don't know why. But I tape them during the week, and on Saturday, I settle down with my lunch in the den and watch the show. I am fascinated. But I would watch your show too! I guess I just love looking into the lives of others.

Sassy Chica said...

Hey Momakin, how you been?!?
I lost you somewhere in the transfer to a new computer a few months back. I found you and will visit more often.

mwah-mwah
Smooches,
Sassy Chica

SydneyJ21074 said...

從來愛都不知它的深度,非得等到別離的時候..................................................

Bossy Betty said...

You should have screamed at each other and turned over the table at the restaurant. Then I think you'd have a chance.

Sandy said...

Lunch and drinks, two of my favorites things....the friends are cool, too. Just don't make me sit with women in their 20's and 30's, please.

Swine said...

Still wondering why I wasn't invited. Oh, that's right, the penis thing.