Saturday, October 17, 2009

A Nice Pair of Pants

When I arrived at my parents' house, it was late(ish) and Mom said, "I have some ironing to do. Why don't you come up to my bedroom and keep me company?" So I left my dad and Thursday night football and headed upstairs with my mom. I don't care how old you are, is there anyplace more comforting than your mom's bed? I sprawled across it sideways and arranged the throw pillows for maximum comfort. We chatted as she ironed her outfit. She and Dad had a funeral to attend the next morning. They attend a lot of funerals. The funerals I attend are few and far between. The funerals they attend seem to be weekly occurrences. I do not look forward to that part of getting older.

Anyway.

She finished ironing her outfit and yelled down the stairs for my dad, "TUT! Get up here and show me what pants you're wearing tomorrow so I can iron them!"

My Dad - Tut - has done this drill before. To say "after this play" or "when there's a commercial" or, God forbid, "What?" would have been a grave error. He came upstairs immediately.

There is a bathroom at the top of the stairs and there was laundry hanging over the shower curtain rod to dry. I had noticed this on my way up the stairs. There were about six pairs of khaki pants neatly hanging there. They all looked the same to me. He grabbed one of them and brought them into the bedroom and handed them to my mom. "You can't wear those." She pronounced, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Tammy, he's wearing this jacket and this shirt and this tie, what pants should he wear?" Now don't ask me why she chose the jacket and shirt and tie but needed him to choose the pants. Pointing that out would've been a grave error. The jacket was navy, the shirt was white, and the tie was a very pretty navy, purple, silver and white paisley.

"Gray?" I answered tentatively.

"Get your gray pants, Tut."

"I don't have gray pants."

"Yes you do."

He emerged from the closet with another pair of khakis. "Not THOSE! Those are golf pants!"

I was out of my league here. They just looked like pants pants to me. "Help him, Tammy."

So I reluctantly left my comfy perch on the bed to look in my dad's closet. There must have been 25 pairs of pants, covering the entire array of hues from stone to tan. I picked a pair on the lighter side of the spectrum and presented them to her.

"Not those. Those have the tags on them." To inform her that tags were easily removed would've been a grave error. I put the pants back in the closet and shrugged at my dad, in an attempt to convey the message, 'you're on your own, dude'.

He handed her another pair. To my eyes, they looked exactly like the three pairs that had just been rejected. But she liked them. He was dismissed and sent back downstairs to his game. She started ironing his pants. Suddenly she stopped mid-press. "He can't wear these! TUT!" Back up the stairs he dutifully trotted. "You can't wear these, there's a HOLE in them!" She showed us both the offending hole. It was less than 1/2 inch right along a seam on the underside of the crotch. It did not spread when she pulled at it. I would've totally worn those pants. For Dad to say the same would've been a grave error.

He chose another pair.

He returned to the game, she returned to the ironing board. "Oh my God, Tammy, look at these. They're DIRTY! Why would he hang dirty pants in the closet? Oh, I swear, that man is such a crumb bum." It probably goes without saying that I saw no evidence of dirt. Sometimes I wonder if my mom and I live in the same world. "There's a HANKIE in the pocket! Now why would you hang up pants with a hankie in the pocket? TUT!"

Up the stairs he trudged. She handed him the offending pants. He folded them neatly over a hanger and returned them to the closet, but not before he threw a quick conspirital wink in my direction. He was making a grave error on PURPOSE! He was stirring the pot! Oh my GOD these two are a hoot!

The next pair he chose also passed muster. He went downstairs and she pressed them without incident.

The next morning when he dressed for the funeral I was sure to tell him how handsome he looked. It wasn't a lie. His white hair was really set off by that navy jacket and the pretty tie. I told her she looked pretty, too. Also not a lie. She was wearing a very smart eggplant pantsuit with a little ruffled peplum jacket. It suited her. What I failed to mention was that my dad's pants had those little hanger wrinkle marks around his knees. Tut can stir the s**t just fine. He doesn't need any assistance from me.

93 comments:

SparkleFarkle said...

Please, Tammy, do the world a favor and get published. Your writing is outstanding! I ALWAYS want to go to there-- you never, ever let your readers down! Thanks! Again, you're a blessing!

freegal1000 said...

My Dad wears khakis. And honestly, I can't tell the difference...they all look the same! Listen, Tammy, I'm blinging you today. Please come by to see me!

Six-Word Saturday: Bling-Bling Rings!

Badass Geek said...

Oh, I do this all the time to my wife. It's the subtle things that bring out the most joy.

JennyMac said...

Tut...he's got some sass up his sleeve too. And "crumb bum" cracked me up.

otin said...

That is such a cute story! There is some kind of TV episode in that!!!

thatgirlblogs said...

not loving this post would be a grave error.

Pam said...

This post had me laughing out loud. Your mom and dad sound like they have a great relationship! They know just how to "handle" each other. Too funny. Somehow I recognize Geoff and me in there. Me, the nagging wife and him, the passive aggressive husband. YIKES!

Yaya said...

Haha! Sounds like my husband who "pretends" he can't iron so that I do it for him. ;)

Lynn said...

I LOVE this post!
Send it in to Reader's Digest!

MiMi said...

This is freakin' hilarious. Really, your parents need a sitcom or something. But it's probably not them as much as it is YOU making them funny. : )

Alex the Girl said...

My mom and dad have this same 'discussion' everytime they have to attend something that requires more than his normal shirt and jogging pants routine. Add a little more hollering and an occassional cuss word, and it could be one of their 'discussions.'

Thanks for the support for my FB day. It wouldn't have been the same w/o you guys.

And we call my sis "Tut." Too cool for words!

blueviolet said...

Oh my gosh, is this what we'll be like at that age? Your mom sounds just like my mom!

Sandy said...

You are too funny and your writing is too amazing. You need to share it with the world....oops, the rest of the world not just the bloggy world. And your parents sound sweet.

Tsquared417 said...

Hilarious!!! I love the wink. ;) Your Dad is cool.

Joanna Jenkins said...

I agree, this is one of you best posts ever!
Great job!
xo

Unknown Mami said...

Another piece of perfection! You my dear are no crumb bum.

Keeper of the Skies Wife said...

HAHA!! Love it!

I agree with Sparklefarkle.....girl you need to get published!

Lizzie said...

isn't it funny how pants can become such a great story?! oh pants mixed with parents i mean :)

kys said...

Such a good story! (as usual) I agree with everyone else in thinking that there is a sitcom to be written....,

carma said...

They make a cute couple!! My husband's dress pants are rarely used so we are also familiar with the hanger marks in the knee area. Good for you for not bringing it up :D

I like Badass Geek's comment. It's a conspiracy I tell you. Men just stirring the pot!

Becky said...

Awww...I love it.

I laughed out loud where you told your dad he was "on his own" Lol!

I would love to go back to the days of my parents bedroom, and hear a conversation like. (Man I just totally cried over typing that one stinking sentence)
You've got gold, Tammy. Gold!

kys said...

Something for you on SFA when the next post goes up.

MaryRC said...

I agree with SparkleFarkle. The things we have to look forward to in the years to come. i happen to be the pot stirrer in this little game o life.

The Grown-Up Child said...

Your parents are so cute! How sweet that your dad comes every time without grumbling or telling her she should just pick. Your dad knows how to get his digs in while keeping the peace. That's awesome. :D

Gibby said...

Hahahahaha, that is so funny! Not to mention, I felt like I was right there with you while this was all taking place. Awesome writing!

The Redhead Riter said...

That was really hilarious. I felt like I was right there in the room with you rolling my eyes at them LOL
♥ u and ur blog ♥

vixensden.com said...

To say I love your writing would be an understatment, but that story was hysterical. My parents are funny like that (in my eyes) but if I told their story it wouldn't sound as good as yours!

Hit 40 said...

For heavens sake!!! Why doesn't she just pick out the clothes for him?? This would save a lot of time and frustration for both. Or, pick them out together?? I think you said that they were retired? Way too much time on their hands.

Mandy's Life After 30 said...

It's interesting how funny we find our parents as we get older, eh? I think my folks are hysterical as well now. At least your dad didn't have a "puffy pirate" shirt like Jerry Seinfeld in that famous episode. Your mom could have put on an eye patch and they could've made it a double date night - first funeral, then Halloween party. Arrrrrgh! ;-)

Mayhem and Moxie said...

Such a great post! Your parents sound like a hoot.

I hope my husband and I have a relationship like that when we are older too.

-Francesca

mama-face said...

All the while I'm thinking about how I am just like your Mom! :-)

I agree with your first comment I see over there...you NEED to be published. I would love to hear about your writing process.

Anywhoooo...what a crack up, the wrinkle lines in the pants!!

scrappysue said...

my mother irons sheets, towels and pillowcases. maybe our mums should meet. i can't say she's ever wanted to iron anything while i was wearing it tho...

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

My dad will wink at us behind my mom's back and then say something that we just know is a "grave error" and she launches on a tirade that we could all recite in our sleep. The give and take is so much fun to watch. My favorite place at my mom's is the kitchen table with her trying to ply everyone with food...and I don't have to cook...well, now I do, but bad knees are the cause of that. Such fun isn't it?

Vivienne said...

That is hysterical! My parents have a similar dance, but it is around cooking and entertaining. We call it The Pat & Dave Show.

Jessica said...

I love parent stories like that! They seem like a fairytale!

The Redhead Riter said...

This was a good post to pick. I loved it too the first time I read it. I fell in love with your parents!

marfmom said...

I love your writing! I am totally adding your blog to my blogroll now!

Mary said...

Sounds like me and my hubs!

Happy SITS Day!!

Cheryl said...

OMG!!!!!!!! How funny! Love your dad already.

pixielation said...

Oh my word, that is hilarious! I was thinking that he was henpecked, but I think he totally knows how to play the game!

Cairo Typ0 said...

Your dad is hilarious!!

Karen, author of "My Funny Dad, Harry" said...

Funny post--a good choice! Interesting why your mom allowed him to choose the pants . . . sort of. Yea for your dad!

Happy SITS day!

Yaya said...

I remember this post! I love it!

Elizabeth a.k.a. Type A Mommy said...

Too funny! I remember when I first read this post, I thought your parents reminded me of my parents. In fact, when I imagined the scene in my head, I cast my parents in the starring roles. I think I might have enjoyed this even more the second time around :)

singedwingangel said...

roflmbo that so sounds like something I myself would do with my mom. She is an iron freak and I am not lol..too funny

sandy said...

That is hilarious! It totally reminds me of my grandparents! My pap is a pot stirrer too!

The Mommyologist said...

Hysterical!! Sadly...this reminds me of something I would do to my poor husband.

Christine said...

Wow, this scene is right outta my favorite movie...
A real Ethel & Norman Thayer moment. Loved it.

Pam said...

This is too funny. Your parents sound like they have a great relationship. Your dad cracks me up.

Sara said...

That's the kind of relationship I want someday.

I think your parents figured something out. I mean, you have to keep it interesting somehow, right?

Complicated Mama said...

SO funny! I can so see this post being written by my daughter in years to come.

I go through similar situations with my husband and sometimes I think he's playing with me too. lol

Charlene said...

Happy SITS Day! You have a great way of telling a story - love it. I'm your newest Follower!

Holyoke Home said...

I keep thinking about your dad trudging up those stairs. One. More. Time.

Thanks for a great read and enjoy your SITS day!

Lynn said...

That's how ya gotta keep it fresh sometimes huh? Your parents are awesome. Tut better hope your mum doesn't figure him out! ;o)

My best, Lynn

Creative Junkie said...

Love the back and forth between your parents! And "crum bum" wasn't bad either!

Gayle Jackson said...

Gotta love parents and pants! Kudos!

Laura said...

Mothers can be so funny sometimes. She sounds a lot like my mom.

sweetjeanette said...

Happy SITS day. What a writer you are. I'm hooked after the second entry (actually you had me with the first). I am so following you now!

sweetjeanette.blogspot.com

Jenn said...

Ah it's the little things that keep us sane. Obviously you're dad can handle himself!

Rook No. 17 said...

What an engaging story and glimpse in to your life. Your parents sound like wonderful 'characters'! I find it fascinating the way that people who've been married a very long time create curious routines and habits to maintain domestic harmony. Congrats on your SITS day. Ya got me, I'm following, and reading on...

Holly said...

Funny story...you're a great writer! Visiting from SITS :)

withoutadornment said...

Hahaha! That's too funny.

Happy SITS day! :)

AmericanTribal said...

Alright, that's it. I'm following your blog.

Your writing style is superb! :)

Mandi Miller said...

Hilarious! That was awesome! Your dad is NO pushover! Happy SITS!

Robin said...

Aw, such a great experience with your parents! My mother has the absolute opposite problem- refuses to dress nicely! Ahh!
-Robin

Kim said...

I really enjoyed this post. It has me smiling. Good for you, knowing not to stir the pot ~ wink.
@cheapchichome.blogspot.com

teena said...

I am laughing so hard right now! Your dad reminds me of mine so much :)

Sherri @ Luv a Bargain said...

I can so see you laying across your mom's bed looking at them! (There is no better comfy place, huh?) Oh gosh, will I do that too? Probably.

Marilyn (A Lot of Loves) said...

Your parents are like characters in a book. You should totally write a story starring them!

Christi said...

Your parents sound like a hoot. Reminds me of my grandparents. Grandma used to get so upset at Grandpa for wearing his good shirts to work. Then at laundry time she'd find paint speckles on his "dress" clothes. I think he did so intentionally to stir the pot too!

FatBottomBLOG: Living Green in a Colorful World

K a b l o o e y said...

Lot of love cleverly concealed in this post and in your parents' relationship. Terrific reading. And it sounds like your dad gets a lot of cardio done on those stairs.

jonewman said...

I love how marriage evolves over the years! I've seen similar outcomes from my own family and I cherish them! Happy SITS day!

Angry Julie Monday said...

LOL...hilarious....

My husband needed some pants for a work interview a few weeks ago. He was at home, and I was at work. Seriously, why is it my job to know about every piece of clothing that he owns? I had to visualize everything...and they were just pants-pants, as he has like 10 pairs of black pants.

Caroline said...

Such a cute story! Right out of a sit-com! You are a veryl talented writer! Keep up the good blogging!

Two Normal Moms said...

That was a fabulous post!
***Ally
Happy SITS Day!

Heather said...

I swear my dad has been through nearly 40 years of that and gave up a long time ago. Unfortunately he never says anything in retort and has been forced to act like a child who can't pick out his own clothes. It just makes me sad.

Excellent writing.

Stopping by from SITS.

Zeemaid said...

I love the "that would be a grave error". *LOL*

It's amazing how we all know exactly what little buttons to press.

Great post!

Happy SITS day!

Holly Noelle @ Domestic Dork said...

What a great story! :) I loved it.

Katy and Ross said...

I love that! I think we all know how to push buttons sometimes :)

Happy SITS day!

The Meanest Bean of Them All said...

bahahahahahahahaha

Your running commentary of standing by...that would be me. Oh dear....

youthinkyoucanblog said...

Oh, so, so cute!

I swear, the secret of marriage is stirring the pot. HA.

Adrian's Crazy Life said...

That is hilarious. There is a whole sitcom right there (or SITScom, if you prefer!) There's a whole Oscar/Felix dynamic going on there.

LinLori said...

Fantastic! Sounds like my mum and dad, except Dad never wears dress pants. He's strictly a jeans kind of guy. And if he can't wear jeans? He doesn't go!

Amber Page Writes said...

snort. your dad rocks. I can totally picture my parents doing the same thing.

Vickie said...

Awe! So cute! I love watching older couple communicate!

Also, love that your Mom calls your Dad, Tut:)

Missy said...

That is so cute and hilarious all at the same time.
I do not have parents as you do and it is fun seeing what a "normal" parental relationship should look like.
Thank you.


Stopping by from SITS.

Marie said...

What a fun read....I felt like I got a glimpse into your parents life. :)

Kristin said...

Poor Tut. At least he's got his P.I.C....you!

2busy said...

Your mother sounds like a perfectionist. She sounds a lot like my mom.

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

LOL! Hilarious! This actually sounds like my husband -- doing ANYTHING to get my goat! Too funny.

Midday Escapades said...

I agree with SparkleFarkle, you should get published. Brilliant post and brilliant parents. I wish I had that kind of banter at my house.

Kelly said...

Too funny! I love old married couple banter.

Meg said...

You have a special ability to tell a story just right...I love it.

And no, there is no better place than your mom's bed.