Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Ya Feelin' Lucky, Punk?

Well, I'm not.

I'm feeling most unlucky indeed.

But it's never really about luck, is it? That's what the lucky ones say, anyway. They say it's all about choices.

My argument is that I didn't choose most of my circumstances. And that's true, for the most part. But I do choose how I'm going to respond to those circumstances. A pertinent and recent example:

Yesterday a friend posted pictures of us from the mid-80's on Facebook. I was reminded under no uncertain terms - there it was - that I had a rockin' bod in my mid-20's. It bummed me right the frick out. How does one go from that to this? Well, there was a little bit of bad luck. I have a slow metabolism. I have hypothyroidism. I have Hashimoto's. I didn't choose any of those things. Bad luck. BUT! When I saw those pics, my immediate reaction to the sense of failure they sparked was to find comfort in a bowl of hot fudge. With or without ice and or whipped cream. And THAT, my friends, is a choice. (No, I didn't do it. But only because there wasn't any in the house and I was too lazy to go out and get any. Sometimes laziness is an asset.) When I showed the pics to Tom, by the way, his only response was: "Your hair looked dumb." I love this man so. much.

So - to recap - current state of the body is a result of a combination of bad luck and bad choices. Eliminate ONE of those things and it would probably be not as bad as it is, but not as good as it was. It can't all be attributed to one or the other.

Remember in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" when Johnny Depp takes Juliette Lewis to meet his morbidly obese mom and his mom apologizes for her appearance, with tears brewing behind her eyes, "I wasn't always like this..." and Juliette Lewis answers, without missing a beat, "Well I wasn't always like this, either." We all change. I love that moment. I love Johnny Depp....

Dang. I appear to have once again digressed...

Luck. Choices.


I am dealing with some other stuff, too, which I'm not quite ready to talk about here. It FEELS like a lot of bad luck. I KNOW that to the outside observer it would LOOK like a lot of bad choices. I'm still trying to sort that out. Trying to determine how different choices might yet turn it around. No luck so far - I'll keep you posted.

I know that I'm lucky in many ways. I have a roof over my head. Said roof is in a rapidly deteriorating neighborhood. Said roof is over a house that was built fast 14 years ago and is falling apart before our eyes. Said house is always a mess and I can't keep up with it. Some bad luck. Some bad choices. But ultimately the great good luck of having a home.

I have a family. Said family doesn't have much time for me, they're all busy chasing their own lives and making their own bad choices (and an occasional good one) regarding their own personal circumstances. Said family's good choices are a reflection on them and their bad choices are a reflection on me. Said family is always a mess and I can't keep up with it. Some bad luck. Some bad choices. But ultimately the great good luck of having a family.

I have friends. Said friends are mostly kept up with via the computer - even the ones who actually live close by, of which there are not too darn many. Said friends are rarely available for a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, but they're almost always available with a friendly ear (er, um, eye...) and a lot of support. A little bad luck. A couple bad choices. But ultimately the great good luck of having friends.

I could go on - but you get the general gist. You're pretty bright like that. Luck and choices. Our reality is a combination of the two.

Sorry I was a bummer today. But it should improve. The sun is shining and it's a beautiful day here. How lucky.

Make good choices!


La Mere Joie said...

At least the sun is shining! It's pouring rain here. Which is really a downer. I know exactly what you mean though! It's the circumstances that made me this way. And maybe a few too many chips ahoy. I am definately not 20 anymore. But I am kind of glad about that too. :) Hope you have a better rest of the day!

kys said...

I guess we have to do our best to control what we can and let the rest go. I let it all go - the house, my appearance, etc.

PS I would have had the same reaction with the FB pictures.

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

just choose almond butter. it's a savior.


well it was a good choice to read your blog today. i do the same thing like look at pictures from 3 yrs ago and i was so thin and i tell myself THAT WAS AFTER YOU HAD A BABY AND YOU CAN GET SKINNY AFTER THIS BABY TOO JUST BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF! the important thing is to never give up on yourself no matter what choices we make :)

M said...

You always make the best posts! I loved this one in particular because it reminded me of my own life: when I was young and I would visit my grandmother, she would always hug me at the end of our visit and say "make good choices". She never said "don't do that" or "do this", she just said "make good choices". It's a brilliant concept, and it's one that's stuck with me forever. It's good advice and an encouragement to take personal responsibility all at once. I always think that to myself and I'll always say it to my kids...and one day, to my grandkids. Great post!
M :)

Rosa said...

I dig Johnny Depp too. And Tom. Tom definitely kicks ass. Sorry your day is a downer, my friend. But there's always a better one around the corner, as luck would have it.

MiMi said...

You gotta get to feeling better! I know, easier said than done. Well, you know, most of my problems are probably choices. Even though I would argue that bad luck MADE me choose the wrong choices. I'm projecting here.

Tsquared417 said...

Your husband is a rock star. That was the perfect thing to say. I'm sorry you're in a state...I hate it when that happens. Hang in there.

5thsister said...

I wish I could make it all better for you. As a wise blogger (not me) once said (and I'm paraphrasing here)"Without the cracks of brokeness, how would we have the room to be filled with joy". Or something like that. Does that make sense?

~Laura said...

I like what you said about choices. Keep your head up. It turns around eventually!

Pam said...

Sometimes when there are things we have to "deal with", it's always a good idea to think about the things we can be thankful for - a roof over your head, a wonderful husband and a great family. You are in my thoughts.

carma said...

I love your husband's perspective - and your's too.

May not be your perkiest post, but your determined spirit shines through in whatever you write.

I think so many of us can relate to the lack of people IRL to get together with. I have a close friend who lives one town over - yet we mostly only talk on the phone. Another from high school who lives 40 mins away and we only see each other once a month. Another friend lives a mile away and I see her every 3 mos or so she is busy with her own family. And I could go on....

I am thankful for my internet buddies who are "there" 24/7 :D

Hope things start looking up for you.

You deserve it.

BONNIE K said...

Several things here. First, I LOVE the Gilbert Grape movie. Matter of fact, I went to high school with the actress who played one of the sisters (was there more than one? I don't remember). Second, when I have friends visit from out of town, I always lament the fact that they don't live nearby, because I would surely see them on a regular basis if they did (at last I think I would). Third, one of my responsibilities at work is taking medical information, and that has kept me very level headed about my own life, because I see such tragedies - people waking up paralyzed, or going to the ER to find they have cancer everywhere - and seeing how graceful people can be under such bad times. I think of that whenever I am feeling down myself. There are always those who are much worse off.

Tater Tot Mom said...

I had totally forgotten that moment from Gilbert Grape. So powerful that movie is! (Okay that sounded a little like Yoda).

It must be in the air or the water because I've been feeling like that too. So lucky though to have a hubby that loves my body now, not the one I used to have.

Sometimes it's hard to be grateful for the choices we've made when they lead us down the path we think is the wrong one. There are plenty of forks in the road though..at least that's what I keep telling myself!

Sassy Chica said...

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get! ~Forest Gump~.

We all go through trials and tribulations, the important thing is to remember who you are and that you are loved by so many, including your readers who have never met you.

I hope the sun makes you smile today!

Sassy Chica

(I posted part 2 of Vegas, for enquiring minds, who wanted to know).

Unknown Mami said...

You were not a bummer today, just honest.

My fat ass has been a result of some bad luck and bad choices. I can't change the luck, but I'm making different choices.

It's funny I never thought my body was that great befor and now I look at pictures and thing, "Damn, I was HOT!"

mama-face said...

Oh Tammy,
I had tears in my eyes throughout your entire post. I know there is no magic thing I can say; I have no great words of wisdom. Well, duh...I never have any of those...but I am sending you a humungous hug.

You have made a huge impact on my life. And you are so obviously loved by many. Maybe I'm having a way over the top emotional reaction to your post; maybe I feel your emotions? Gah. I dunno.

btw I live in fear of old photos popping up on FB. Not to mention current ones.
ohmy...I just figured out we are commenting at the same time!!!!

otin said...

In the movie Jaws, Hooper says to Brody, "... well it doesn't make much sense for a guy who is afraid of the water to live on an island" and Brody's response was "it is only an island if you look at it from the water."

Life is all about perspective!

Melissa B. said...

Sounds like a case for the Ben & Jerry's Stressbusters Diet! And I have a question...why is always the Mom who gets blamed for the kids' bad choices?

blueviolet said...

I think most of us can say our circumstances are part choice and part not. It's the part choice that really gets to bothering us.

The sad thing is that going back and getting a redo, I'm not so sure I wouldn't repeat the mistakes again.

Becky said...

I think your husband is the best.

"your hair looks stupid"

Could he of answered that ANY of better??

Gilbert Grape is one of my favorite movies btw:)

These days come and go. I'm sorry today is one of them:( Hang in there!

Gibby said...

Shit. I literally just stole a Reeses peanut butter cup from the Halloween stash right before I read this.

Bad choice.

This is the good thing about choices...every day is a new day, ready for us to make the right choices. Sometimes we mess up. But our next choice might make it better.

Remember that Lilly book I wrote about a couple weeks ago? "Today was a difficult day. Tomorrow will be better." Go with it.

Hit 40 said...

The sun is shining? I missed it. Darn it!!! I knew not to blink today.

I miss my body before kids!!

Traci said...

All I can say is that I feel lucky to have discovered your blog. One thing that I have been learning is that while it is important to count your blessings, it is also important to be where you are and it is okay to some days to just feel down... or unlucky.
So all my best to you-- you seem pretty rockin' to me. And as we're about the same age, I feel like I can safely say that your hair probably did look dumb. I know mine did. :-)

af1blog said...

Hypothyroidism is not generally curable (and as far as I know, nor is Hashimoto's), but it IS all treatable. If your thyroid "goes wild" at times and swings you into hypERthyroidism, they can easily zap your thyroid. You have to take thyroxine for the rest of your life though, either way. That, though, is only a pill a day (and they should be VERY cheap!) and much like HRT, but simpler and with no side effects for most people (although there are different makes of the artificial thyroxine and you have to find the one that best suits you).

Most American doctors think that the level to keep the free thyroxine in your body near the TOP of the quite wide range that is usually regarded as "normal" by the medical profession.

If your thyroxine dose is at the right level and you have found the right one for you, then as I understand it, your metabolism should stabilise and you should feel more energetic which further stimulates your metabolism and you should be able to return to perfectly "normal".

I'm only a layman, but I had a close friend with the condition and I did study it quite a bit. I'm not familiar with Hashimoto's, but it sounds very like what the UK has a different name for.

Like you didn't probably already know all that sh*t and wanted to know it anyway...

However, you MIGHT have wanted to know it - so I had to say, didn't I?

Have a nice day and I hope you soon feel well again - you SHOULD be able to!

The Peach Tart said...

Well our current circumstance are a combination of past luck and choices. You can't change the past but you can try to make better choices over the things you have control of in the future.

sheila said...

I noticed you're from OH, me too! Near Cleveland. O-H! lol

Anyhow, great post. I look back on pics of me. Cute, rail thin, perky. And then I just love the new me. Wrinkles here and there. I feel like they all hold a memory. Good or bad, I'll take it.

Sounds like you've got a great guy!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Your hubby is absolutely a keeper! :)

I can relate to you in so many ways. You hit the nail on the head with this part:

"My argument is that I didn't choose most of my circumstances. And that's true, for the most part. But I do choose how I'm going to respond to those circumstances."

So very, very true! I'm the same way. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers while you deal with what feels like a lot of bad luck...here's hoping more sunshine warms you up! ;)

Vivienne said...

Choices or circumstances... everything that happens shapes us into who we are and teaches us things about ourselves along the way.

Sandy said...

Some days are just like that. When we make choices, how are we really supposed to know the true consequences? In so many ways life is a huge crap shoot.

Sounds to me you got more going for you than against you. Tomoorow is another day.

The Grown-Up Child said...

I go through these times too. And it's so hard because you *know* you have things to be thankful for and that others have it harder. But still. We're allowed to be sad and disappointed about needing new windows, even when we have a good foundation.