Monday, March 23, 2009

Get Off My Shoulder, Or Give Me $5,000.

I was in an elevator today with a nice looking lady. It was a mirrored elevator, so not looking at her was next to impossible. Here's what I saw:

She was wearing a jacket; I was wearing a jacket.

She was wearing a T-shirt; I was wearing a T-shirt.

She was wearing black pants; I was wearing a black skirt.

She was wearing black shoes with Mary-Jane style straps; I was wearing black shoes with Mary-Jane style straps.

We couldn't have looked more different.

Her jacket was a cropped blazer that nipped in smartly at her waist; mine was my husband's jean jacket with the sleeves rolled up.

Her T-shirt was white and fitted and tucked into her pants; mine was bright pink and oversized and hanging out over my skirt and below the hem of my pilfered jacket.

Her pants had a nice drape; my skirt was what a sweatshirt would be if a sweatshirt were a skirt.

Her shoes were patent leather with pointy toes and high heels; mine were ergonomically designed earth shoes.

I looked away from her - in the mirrored elevator - and to my own reflection. There were Stacy and Clinton, sitting on my shoulders like some sort of demented devils, tormenting me, "See? She still looks casual. She's still wearing a T-shirt and a jacket. There is nothing you are going to do today that you would not look perfectly appropriate doing dressed like her." Then all the mirrors in the elevator started feeling like S&C's 360 degree mirrored room and I got a little dizzy and nauseous.

The nice looking lady exited the elevator with a polite nod and smile. I think I may have flipped her off, I'm not sure.

The demonic little Stacy and Clinton followed me to my car, where they continued to berate me about buying clothes that fit and making more of an effort and how much less frumpy I'll feel when I look less frumpy and blah blah blah blah blah. At this point I stabbed Clinton in the eye with a spork that I keep in the glove box for just such situations. I tried to get Stacy, but the light deflecting off of her oh-so-chic white streak temporarily blinded me. I get random kinky little gray hairs. If only I could corral them into one nice, tidy, interesting little streak... It's because I'm lazy and undisciplined. Maybe if I paid more attention to my wardrobe...

So I sighed, and I told Stacy that I realized that the bulk of my clothing choices were unflattering. I said I was ready to make more of an effort. I told her I was ready to hear and respect her rules. I asked her for my $5,000 prepaid credit card.

Bitch disappeared so fast it made my head spin.

16 comments:

Mamarazzi said...

HILARIOUS!! i love the "...i think i may have flipped her off..."

we all have days like that!

Stopping in from SITS to welcome you. You are going to love being a part of this amazing community of women! So welcome to the SITStahood!

If you have time I am hosting a pretty great giveaway on my blog right now...come check it out!

smarmygal said...

OK, you and I have to go shopping together, because I swear, while just I enter the changing room alone, Clinton and Stacy are there every time! (Also, they do NOT approve of my choice of underpants. Clinton should really not berate me while I am mostly nude. Bastard.) At least while one of us is in the dressing room, the other one could be fending off S&C (or the voices in our heads...more tricky, but still doable).

If I could FIND anything that made me look less frumpy, I would pay untold hundreds of dollars to buy it in every color.

Can you please pass the brownies?

Tammy Howard said...

Aw, Stacy would just say we need to take them to a tailor. That Stacy, she really has her finger on the pulse of the average woman, no?

Mrs. Jelly Belly said...

LMAO! That's hilarious. And too true. I have many days where I leave the house feeling perfectly okay and comfortable with myself and then run into The Elevator Woman. I always hope her underwire is poking her. :)

Joy said...

Stacey and Clinton have been known to invade my waking thoughts as well. One of these days I better get my $5,000!

I also wanted to stop by and say welcome to the SITS comunity, it's great having you as a SITSta!

greedygrace said...

Maybe Stacy and Clinto are reading this right now and they're going to offer to feature you! My bff even went as far to apply and then dress worse for several months, in hopes that they would select her!

I came by to welcome you to SITS!

Rhea said...

I'm not the only one who talks to myself and flips people off in my head?! Cool!

I'm here as part of the SITS Welcome Wagon! I've been a member since the start and a huge fan of this awesome womens support network. I've read so many fun blogs, met so many amazing women. Welcome to the SITStahood!

Kelley said...

I need to keep a spork in my car.

Brilliant.

Just like this post, and I bet you looked better than you portray.

Noah's Mommy said...

Oh my god...that is the funniest post I've read in a really long time...you have an amazing writing style...I'm so excited you've joined SITS...now so many can read how great your blog is....

resplendentlife said...

ROFL!! Loved it. I am sooo right there with you. I've been begging my firends for YEARS to submit me to a makeover show....ANY makeover show.
Just dropped by to welcome you to SITS!!

K said...

I love this.

I have conversations with Stacey and Clinton in my head all the time.

Welcome to SITS!

Pam said...

Visiting from SITS! Very funny! Love S&C. I've learned a lot from watching that show. Now if I would/could just put it all into action. Let me know how you do getting your prepaid credit card. I'd like one, too! LOL

Brandy said...

LOL! I definitely have more dress down days than dress up ones. Now that I can wear casual clothes to work, it's jeans, jeans and more jeans. Seriously.

And I kinda, sorta stole the white hair thing. Well, not really but I did bleach a front part of my hair that was going gray. My way of fighting back and all.

Anyway, welcome to SITS!

Eudae-Mamia said...

That was awesome.

Glad to hear that the Devil's spawn visits others as well. I figured they were too busy making me feel like fashion roadkill to rain on any other person's self esteem.

I need to carry a spork. Smart girl, you.

Welcome to SiTS!! Em

StampinMom said...

I can't stop crackin' up...you are freakin' hilarious! So glad I came by to welcome you to SITS...just had to 'follow' you b/c I could use a good laugh anytime, tee hee! Poor Stacy...okay, not! But I sure would like that pre-paid card too, so if you see her again, let her know to hit me up!

Jamie :-)

The Rambler said...

You ARE Hilarious!!!

Thanks so much for visiting me on my SITS day!!