Monday, February 14, 2011

Tammy and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Month

I went to sleep with wild thoughts in my head and now there's an uncomfortable wildness to my mood and I could tell - it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad month.

That's what it was, because the month came in on a huge storm that turned everything to cold and ice and gray and my heart feared that it would never see the sun again. But the storm subsided and the kids were going back to school and maybe there was light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how hypothetical or fabricated that light might be. Except the night that should've been filled with choosing outfits for that first day back to school and remembering to set alarm clocks was filled instead with ambulances and hospitals and I could tell - it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad month.

I wanted to run away to Australia.

That's what it was, all right, because the officer standing in my living room told me that all of my sweet child's problems were brought on by me. I told him I was being responsible. I told him I knew a little something about child development. I think I told him those things - it's hard to remember. I know he dismissed me and blamed me. In my own house. I told him she was in the grips of a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad monster. He laughed and called it the teenage trifecta.

I knew he was wrong while I wondered if he was right.

What if he was right?

Are officers that mean and disrespectful in Australia?

It was the beginning of a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad month.

That's what it was, because after the ride in the ambulance and the night in the hospital, they said, "we have bad news". I wondered if they couldn't wait to tell me the bad news when the sun was shining enough to help me hear it, but that's not the way hospitals like to operate. Maybe in Australia, but not here.

More visits to doctors and therapists and specialists - it seems like there is a visit every day! I drive and I write checks and I hear bad news. I said, "I feel like a wallet with wheels!" Nobody responded. I yelled, "I am taking my wallet and my wheels and heading for Australia!" Nobody knew what to do with that. I screamed, "I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad month!" Nobody seemed to listen.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad month, all right, because in the middle of the appointments and the accusations and the guilt, the guilt, the guilt, I got myself involved in an online argument with someone I didn't even know. He said horrible things and I didn't respond to them, but I carried them in my heart. I waited for a knight in shining armor to come to my emotional rescue, somebody who knew right from wrong and could sort it all out, but nobody did. Knights show up for beautiful princesses, not for useless middle-aged mothers in crisis and ESPECIALLY not if those useless middle-aged mothers are fat, because everyone knows that's the most useless kind of all. Besides, the good potential knights gently informed me, you can't fight with an asshole and you never win with an asshole and he's an asshole, what are you gonna do? (Castles don't even have phones, asshole.) The good knights wisely rose above it. I knew it was the wise thing to do, but I couldn't do it, even though I tried very hard. I struggled and strangled alone.

I knew he was wrong while I wondered if he was right.

What if he was right?

Are assholes that mean and disrespectful in Australia?

What a terrible, horrible, no good, very fucking bad month!

That's what it was, because I took an additional part time job. Very menial. Very humbling. But I took it because ambulance rides aren't free and all the doctors and therapists and specialists say we probably haven't taken our last. But when I went to do the job today, it was like the instructions were written in Swahili, which I don't think they even know how to read in Australia. I couldn't make anything make any sense. I started to sweat. I started to shake. I couldn't think and I couldn't work and I wasn't even sure I remembered how to breathe.

So I left.

I sent a conscious message for each step to my brain and I walked right out to my car and drove myself home.

It was irresponsible.

It was unreliable.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad thing to do, and I did it.

Because I couldn't remember how to do anything else.

I let people down.

I simply - couldn't.

Do people have panic attacks in Australia?

I have had enough of this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad month.

And it's only half way over.

I guess some months are like that. Even in Australia.


Karen said...

You are not alone. You are surrounded by people who love you and care about you and your family. You might feel isolated, but I've already packed my bags for Australia.

Unknown said...

Honey I would love to tell you that going to Australia would not solve your problems...may make you forget them for a while, but not solve them. You are a great parent and don't let anyone else tell you different. Behind every closed door, in every persons home, there are issues. No parent, or child is perfect. You do what you do best and just love the child, support her and always let her know you are there for her.Somewhere down the very dark road, there is light, and you will get there.
When all else fails lean on your friends and family for support (only if they are giving it) and ignore the others.
I'm here if you need me...unless I'm in
Oh, and by the way, I'm sure there are assholes in Australia too!

Love ya

Unknown said...

Sweetie, I don't have to know what's going on in order to feel your pain. All I can offer you are prayers and cyber hugs. Let it don't have to be in control. As one who used to think I had to I will tell you, it is so much easier living one day at a time. And you know what? Things worked out, not in my time, but in God's time. Love you!

Julie said...

Sometimes you have to stop and take care of you or you can't take care of anyone else. I'm sorry you are going through such a horrible time. It does get better eventually. But it's so hard waiting on that eventually to come.

And Australia had a really bad drought recently and it's very hot there. So it's not perfect. And they have giant, ostrich-sized birds that can maim you like there's no tomorrow. Even Australia can suck.

Love to you all!

Liz Mays said...

Whatever is going on with you physically...I'm really hoping you'll get answers and a solution to that soon. And I'm so sorry that you've been hurt by someone's words so very sorry.

Unknown said...

Tell me what I can do. Even if that mens fighting with @ustralian @$$holes on the @nternet. Even if I can't win.

Anything at all....


Unknown said...

Hey, Tammy. Happy Valentines Day.

Nancy/BLissed-Out Grandma said...

Tammy, I'm so sorry you are going through something awful. Sounds like you could really use someone who will listen and give you feedback that you trust. I wish you all the best.

Unknown said...

My heart goes out to you. I went through some really tough times with my teenage boys after I was divorced. They are now grown men, and great Dad's, so there is hope that things will get better. If talking to someone will help, I'm here. You have my email address. I have unlimited long distance on my phone, so if you really need to talk, send me your phone number. I will call you and be there for you in any way I can. Hugs.

Gibby said...

I wish I could whip up a really cool sentence that would fix everything for you, but alas, I'm not magical. I can do two things...offer you my shoulder and maybe a jigger of Patron. Not that these things would fix it, but still...

OH!!! And I could remind you that Australia has really, really, big bugs.


Cheryl said...

My heart goes out to you, Tammy. Keeping you and yours in my thoughts. Sending long deep breaths your way.

Rosa said...

I love that book. But NOT when it's happening to you, my friend. Tell me who this cyber asshole is and I'll track him down and hurt him. He is beneath you and a waste of your time. Ignore his measly existence. And cops don't always show up at your door looking like Tom Selleck and they're not always right. Eff them too. You're doing your best and taking care of your family. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are loved and you will all get through this.

Anonymous said...

That totally blows, Tammy. I am thinking of you and sending virtual hugs. Hang in there...sometimes that's all you cna do.

Pam said...

I hope things improve for you soon. I'm so sorry that you are having a tough time right now. Sometimes parenting is heartbreaking. Just remember, "this too shall pass". {{hugs}}

sitting on the mood swing at the playground said...

I'm so sorry. I'm sending all the good vibes I can in your direction.

Mammatalk said...

Lots of good thoughts sent your way! This was a very,very well written post. Glad you have this outlet.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh Tammy, I am so, so sorry. I don't have any words other than to say I'm here for you and I'm sending you love and hugs.
xoxoxo jj

Ginger said...

Here's what you do: You shake the dust.. and you do it again and again and again and again:

scrappysue said...

come to new zealand instead!!!!! i hope everything's ok with your and your daughter???