Do I Look Good in Green?

I'd always heard about the phenomenon of mothers becoming jealous or even resentful of their daughters as they come of age. I sort of thought it was bullshit. I understand that it's their turn - their turn to be beautiful, vital, relevant. Sometimes there's a little twinge - I wish I could wear their cute clothes or that I had their soft skin - but those feelings are fleeting. In all, no jealousy.  I look at the  grown women who get caught up in all of that as vain and silly.

Today, though...

Today I sort of related to those women.

We took Lea on her first college visit today.

And I was excited for her.

As we walked from building to building, hearing the stories and traditions of the institution, I felt so much anticipatory joy for her.

But I wanted it to be for me.

I wanted to be anticipating those years instead of looking back on them fondly.

I really, really wanted it.

Now don't go telling me about the opportunities available to non-traditional students.

I know all about that.

That wasn't what I wanted.

But you knew that.

I wanted the whole - thing.

I wanted it bad.

There was talk of classes and dorms and social clubs and service clubs and academic teas - Oh. My. God, ya'll. Academic Teas. I almost squeed right out loud. I never attended an academic tea. It's hard to picture my girls attending one. But it's nice to know they exist, in all their leather elbow-patched glory. No, they'll probably never attend a tea. Oh, but what they will do...

I had it, though. I had my turn. I lived those years without regrets - happy, happy years. They are not, however, years one can extend or relive. It's a snapshot. I can pull it out and look at it and remember it fondly, but I can't have it back.

And that's as it should be, of course.

It's almost my girls' turn.

I'll relive it as a mom.

It won't be the same.

Despite what I'm told is a striking resemblance, neither of them is me.

It won't be the same.

But it will be good.

I'll try to keep the jealousy under control.

And if I fail from time to time, well, I always did look good in green...