Thursday, April 9, 2009

ACCCKKKK!!! Sweat drops! Sweat drops!

I like shopping. There was a time when I loved shopping. Now I just like it. You can take away my girl badge, if you think that's necessary. But there are three things that I never liked to shop for and I don't believe I ever will. Those three things are: bras, jeans, and bathing suits.



The older I get, the more dread I work up at the prospect of shopping for these cruelly necessary items. Now I suppose my choice of the word necessary could be argued on all three counts, but, come on. Asking a woman who came of age in the late 70's/early 80's to do without jeans is like asking a woman who came of age in the 40's to do without housecoats. Asking me to go without a bathing suit either keeps me off of beaches completely, which would change my demeanor in a way you would be unlikely to find pleasant, or confines me to very limited beaches where the sun would be likely to burn me in places that would, once again, make my demeanor take a turn for the decidedly unpleasant. And go without a bra? Seriously? Let's stick with, just no.

So I need to shop for these things, like it or not. Like it or not, in the very near future I will find myself in a dressing room taking my shirt off, taking my bra off, trying a bra on, putting my shirt back on, repeat, repeat, refreakin'peat until I'm so damn tired of looking at my own boobs I'll eventually settle for something that seems to fit and doesn't pinch too much. I hear stories - stories of magic and wonder - wherein women find bras that support, lift and enhance their bosums in angel soft comfort. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that the moment I discover that bra, they will discontinue it.

Jeans. Deep, deep sigh. I am the not entirely uncommon pear shaped woman. I probably need say no more. But I will. I'm sure it goes without saying, even to my more proportionately distributed friends, that if I find something that accommodates my ample ass and thighs, it sags miserably around my smaller middle. When low rise jeans first came into fashion, the hubs said to me (he said) "This is perfect! Your problems are solved! You don't need to try to find something that fits both your hips and your waist, they just need to fit your hips. Go! Buy jeans!" And I went forth and I tried on jeans. And I liked them. Standing there in the dressing room mirror, I liked them more than I'd liked any jeans I'd ever owned before. I practically skipped out of the store, so anxious was I to wear my new jeans with their wonderful fit in the real world. Except in the real world? Sometimes you sit down.

And if this post had a soundtrack, this is where you'd hear a needle skipping and scratching across a record...

But I've saved the best for last, haven't I? Bathing suits. A fresh hell, revisited annually. I've started buying mine online. It's a gamble - usually a very high stakes gamble - but it keeps my fish-white-flabby thighs out of the judgmental fluorescent lights and three way mirrors of the dressing room.

But now my daughters are getting curvy.

Welcome to a whole new level of bathing suit shopping hell.

I took the girls bathing suit shopping today. Liv had to be convinced that it really was ok to show a little bit of skin. If it was entirely up to her, I think she'd wear a neck to below the knee scuba suit. Or board shorts and a T-shirt. Lea, on the other hand, needed to be convinced that a bathing suit needs to both cover everything that needs to be covered AND show some potential to continue doing so when wet. It was a hard sell. Liv ended up with a one piece halter suit. She looked lovely and I think she knew it. While admiring herself in the mirror, she said, more than once, "I can't believe how grown up I look." That makes two of us, sweetness.

Lea ended up with a tankini with boy shorts. She, also, knew exactly how good she looked. She did a little dance in front of the mirror, then announced, "If you buy me really cool sunglasses, I swear, I'll wash your car every day in this thing." Um, thank you?

I remain, despite absolutely knowing better, an unapologetic sun worshipper. But this summer, as the mom of these two, I may find myself praying for rain...

17 comments:

Mrs. Jelly Belly said...

Oh my gosh - the first time your daughter prances out in a bikini is the worst! I spent all my time giving the stink eye to men too old to be looking. I'm so glad I don't have to do that any more.

And bra shopping? Ick. I am never comfortable having the girls hanging out in a dressing room. And I do mean "hanging". I fear hidden cameras - and overzealous saleswomen who come barging right in. Hence I wear them until they fall apart and I am forced to do it again.

Tammy Howard said...

Yep, that day is approaching fast...

cass said...

I shall share the wisodm my firend imparted to me- she had ZERO guilt plunking down a WAD of ash on a really great bra at a real store- (Somethign Like Lord and Taylor but maybe Dillards maybe I dunno- but anyway- the kind you need to make an appointment to have a fitting..) she said they do all the running- fetch the ones that should work- show you how it should sit, etc- and its much nicer when you know what size you really are. Her splurge gave me the pride to try- sort of..
She ending up with Wacoal brand- and I being cheap went to Bon Ton and obtained one in my ... size- horros- but voila- I sorta have a waist and they sorta belong where they are!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have seen them since at TJ Maxx- but not yet the one I bought--
as for exercise- I will swear on the lilyette level 3 e-motion one- I LOVE it (and ok- I wear it everyday cause I like the lift..)as for suits, and jeans- well-- that still sucks- and when my daughter wears the ones I used to fit in post divorce- - that is just as depressing...

Bass Is Life said...

I still like the low-rise jeans on you.

Tammy Howard said...

What sort of training is involved for one to become an appointment only bra fetcher at Lord and Taylor?!? We have a L&T - perhaps I should make an appointment. Money cares to the wind - who needs food and shelter if you've got a great bra?

Bass Is Life said...

And frankly, I'd be OK with Liv wearing a wetsuit or board shorts and t-shirts - so long as they're not white t-shirts.

Tammy Howard said...

Oh, BassisLife, is it any wonder why you're my favorite? When you start wearing something that exposes your full posterior every time you sit down we'll talk...

Pam said...

This post made me laugh out loud. All so true! Aging is not for sissies!

Housewife Savant said...

This flipping kills.
You are so Spot On that I had an out of body experience while reading.
I was YOU, and I hated shopping for bras, jeans and bathings suits EXACTLY THE SAME AMOUNT as I hate shopping for 'em as m'self. Wow.
And the remark about stuff getting discontinued; also perfect. It goes WAY beyond bras into all clothing and personal items, household stuff, and food, for pity's sake. If I like it, they stop it. [weeping openly now]

Honestly; LOLing, because the needle skipped across the record...
then you got all scary on us moms.

I know it, because I've been There.

This is an AWESOME POST Tammy! Thanks for sharing.

Gibby said...

Yuk, yuk, yuk to all three of these items. I HATE bathing suit shopping. I have been ordering suits from Lands End because they are the only suits that will hold these jugs in.

My favorite line: Sometimes you sit down. Hilarious!!

mama-face said...

Once I saw the picture of Andy Samberg I had to stop and read! (I'm here via SITS).

My 17 year old daughter LOVES her shopping; and it makes me miss the days when I loved it...I don't really know when the thrill left me.

I have officially reached the point where I change into my sweats when I am home; something I said I'd never do! Does that mean wearing them in public is next?

Nice to find someone with teenagers ;)

cass said...

oh- caveat- It was said that saleswoman was tiny and petite and everything she USED to be- before needing help finding a good bra- but once she got over the urge to kill her, she was golden... so- maybe a tequila shot or two at lucnh then go shopping- or bring a camelback flled with margerhitas..

Debbie said...

I know the feeling. My daughter has a body that just won't quit. Oh, the pain.

Brandy said...

You just said it all. Shopping for any of those garments requires a full day's worth of efforts...and then I'm only a bit happy with the results. More often than not, I'm just tired of insulting myself in the mirrors.

Alex the Girl said...

Shopping for(with) girls PERIOD brings forth a while new meaning to the word(s) shopping hell. I sure hope boys are easier.

I don't even want to touch the idea of shopping for myself. I work up a sweat in the dressing room, nouf said.

kel said...

I hate bathing suit shopping! but this year, I notice alot more tankini styles with cute litte skort bottoms. (not the old lady kind.)

Joanne + Michelle, kookie girls clothing said...

Fun post! I can't wait to read more!
Thanks for visiting our blog!