Friday, April 24, 2009

If You Give a Mom a Margarita

I was at Barnes and Noble earlier this week (I'm at Barnes and Noble EVERY week) and I noticed a book called: If You Give a Mom a Martini. I thought it was a clever title and began perusing it. It contained no parody, and was really just a list of tips for making the most of whatever free moments you can steal. A noble cause, to be sure, just not what I was hoping for.

But it got me a'thinkin'...

With apologies to the original "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" and all of it's legitimate follow ups, I present:

If You Give a Mom a Margarita

If you give a mom a margarita,
she's going to ask for some chips to go with it.

When you give her the chips
she'll probably ask for some salsa.

When she's finished,
she'll almost certainly ask for another.

Then she will probably decide it is time to dance.

She will almost certainly ask the DJ to play 'something from the '80's',
and when he does,
chances are,
she will put her hands in the air like she don't care.

Then she will want to look in the mirror to make sure there are no visible sweat stains her hair still looks okay.

When she looks in the mirror, she might notice that there are some hairs on that lip and chin that she hadn't noticed before she left the house.

While she is fretting about that and realizing that she did not remember to put the tweezers back in her purse after removing a splinter from one of her kiddos,
she will probably notice that her lipstick needs to be retouched.

She will almost certainly notice that you are touching up your own lipstick,
so she will probably ask to borrow yours.

After you say, "Ew! No! Gross! Lipstick is not for sharing" she'll probably borrow some from a stranger in the ladies room.
She may even borrow mascara!

Before she walks out of the ladies room,
she will almost certainly want to adjust the straps on her shoes.

When she reaches down to adjust her shoes,
she will probably notice that her Spanx have rolled down below her belly.

And chances are,
she will decide that Spanx are stupid anyway and she will wiggle out of them right there in the ladies room and whip them around her head victoriously like a battle prize before stashing them in her bag.

When she returns to her table she will probably feel so free that she will order cheese dip and guacamole to eat with her chips.

And chances are,
if she eats the chips,

She's going to want a margarita to go with them.



Bass Is Life said...

Awesome! I need to take you out for margaritas.

Pam said...

OMG!! THAT is the funniest post I have ever read! Seriously, there are tears running down my cheeks. AWESOME! Thank you for that!

Tammy Howard said...

And thank YOU for THAT Miss Pam!!!

Gibby said...

That is the BEST!! Can I hang out with you?!

Housewife Savant said...

Tammy Howard - Queen of Readers with Wet Pants.
Not a noble title, but sheesh! We be LAUGHING.

Alex the Girl said...

Howard readers are dying to know...
Is this story autobiographical? Come on...tell!

Tammy Howard said...

Gibby - Next time you're in Central Ohio, I've got a margarita with your name on it.

HS - Queen? I like the sound of that. Will someone please fetch Momma her tiara? No - PRINCESSES wear tiaras - QUEENS wear crowns, no? I don't know. No matter. Momma wants some head bling.

Alex - Not strictly, in that I would never wear Spanx on a night where margaritas and dancing were going to be involved. Oh, and I rarely have lipstick in my purse. The rest sounds like a typical Wednesday...

kimert said...

Visiting from SITS!! Fabulous story. Thanks for the laugh. :)

Anita said...

This is so funny Tammy!!! I think I might have actually been this mom before.........minus the spanks.....LOL!
Happy Friday!

Pam said...

Tammy I just wanted you to know that I emailed this post to all my girlfriends. I really felt this post needed a wider audience. I'll let you know if I get any feedback!

Tammy Howard said...

Wow, Pam, thanks! That is beyond awesome! I am extremely flattered!

Sandy said...

I was THERE that night!! Tonight is Ladies Night with 3 friends of 30+ years....I'm gonna print this out and read it to them (if that's okay with you??) Too funny!

Tammy Howard said...

Sandy, bless your heart - please girl! Share the love!

Renee said...

That was great! We are big fans of Mouse/Cookie, Pig/Pancake etc. So this one is good for moi! :) Stopping by from SITS.

Swine said...

Once again, you've hit it outta da park. Funnay!

Oh, and btw, the WORD VERIFICATION I had to write in order to post this comment? RETCH.

Eva Gallant said...

That was really cute! Loved it!