Thursday, April 30, 2009

Welcome to The Big FIB!

As this week finds my ACTUAL self at the beach, I've decided, in accordance with the plans of the insanely creative Housewife Savant, to welcome a few of you - my virtual buds - to spend a weekend at my VIRTUAL beach house. No RSVP necessary, you're already THERE baby.

Welcome to Fantasy Island Beach (or, as it will say on our bumper stickers, FIB). Smiles, everyone, smiles!

You'll notice that Shannon is here, tending bar. I asked Shannon to develop a commemorative drink for our little island beach weekend, but he refused. I was a little confused, because he is usually happy to oblige (he's also quick with a joke and to light up your smoke). It became clear when he was given a moment to explain. He wanted to develop a signature drink for each individual visitor to the island. That's just like Shannon, taking the time to get to know you and wanting to make sure you feel special just because you're who you are. That's sort of our unspoken motto here on the island, actually. So chat him up a little bit and let him figure out just what to put in your glass to make your stay more refreshing as well as enjoyable. The resources are endless here at FIB.

Tom is here, too. Tom is playing in a little ensemble for your musical entertainment. Whatever kind of music makes you happiest, that's what they're playing right now. Requests? They live for them. The only request of the band is that if you're in their immediate staging area, you're either listening or dancing. They do not want to be - nor should they be - treated like background music. They're here for you. Give 'em some love.

Jenny Penny is here, but you might not notice her right away. She is spending a lot of time tucked away in a private cabana. I suspect she is taking advantage of the peaceful atmosphere here at FIB and catching up on her sleep. Sweet dreams, Jenny! Sweet, gentle island dreams. No worries. If you feel like a cocktail, or some music, or some socialization - cause we'd all like to bask in your well-rested brilliance a little bit - you know where to go. It's all here. But if you just want to rest in the quiet, that's cool, too.

I see Pam and Anita and Mama-face! There they are! Down on the beach reading. I can't be sure from here, but I think they're all wearing rather glorious sun hats to shade their eyes while they read. That may just be my projection. I love a pretty sun hat, but if you girls don't, just feel free to take them off. Leave the books, though. Man, they've got a whole library in a basket down there. They have fluffy beach reads and bodice rippers, they have historical fiction, they have classics, they have best sellers, they seem to have it all! And the best part? They have an infinite amount of time in which to enjoy them. I'm hoping they all mosey up to the bar from time to time to share their insights.

Swine? Is that you at the bar? I'm so glad you're here! Sorry about all the unfortunate goings on around your name and stuff. Hopefully a few days on the FIB will smooth it over. There are a lot of brilliant, interesting, funny people here on the island. I think you'll fit right in. Cheers.

Gibby! Chris! Stop trying to organize everything and just relax! We've got it all under control here! You only need to concern yourself with your own needs today. Rest. Drink. Converse. Have a massage, if you want. It's all good. No worries on the FIB.

Alex the Girl, I'm so glad you could make it! When the band takes a break, Tom is anxious to discuss sci-fi from the 70's with you! The folks at the bar were all just saying they'd like to hear a good joke or two, so maybe you'd like to head on over that way.

It wouldn't be a party, virtual or otherwise, without Pink. Glad you could make it, Pink. I assume you've already met the official island photographer? I know how much you love to have your picture taken. Well, pose away! The natural backdrops are gorgeous!

Sir Hook! Nobility at my little bash. You honor me with your presence. I think you'll like it here on FIB! Shannon and Swine are chatting over at the bar, Tom says you're welcome to jam with the band, and the ladies here are pretty much unequaled in their beauty and in their conversational skills. Drink, play, chat and gaze away.

Of course none of this would have been possible if it weren't for Housewife Savant. Ms. Savant, may I say that you are rockin' that bikini? I have a special surprise for you: all of the breads and desserts here on the FIB 24 hour buffet are low cal and carb-free. Full taste, too. Not like when they say it's gonna taste good and you'll never know the difference but it totally doesn't taste good and you totally know the difference. Really truly full taste. Don't give 'em a second thought. I don't want to monopolize your time, because I know you'll want to visit with everyone and make them all feel special, 'cause that's just the way you are. Later, though, we are totally going to rock out. Totally.

And you! I'm so glad you could make it, too! Please have Shannon make you a drink, then find your pleasure and indulge in it.

I hope you enjoyed your little stay here on the FIB, where the weather is always beautiful and the water is always clear and warm. Where the sun will tan you (if you want it to) but it will never burn. Where everyone is happy about how they look in their beachwear. Come back any time.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled life, already in progress.


Alex the Girl said...

You guys will never guess who I just saw walking down the beach, and may I add, there was no cottage cheese on that there butt. Yes, you guessed it, Vin Disel. I hope you don't mind, but he's stopping by later to try out that new drink of Tom's. Not only that, but he's bringing the baby oil.

Housewife Savant said...

Everyone is happy in beachwear...?
I so totally love you, in a non-lesbain way, of course (which needs an acronym for cryin' out loud.) IANLW?

Loads of thanks for the dreamy virtual bread. In the words of Dora's infamous Backpack, "Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Delicioso."

I want this party to be REAL.

Alex the Girl said...

Okay, okay, maybe I've had one drink too many. Tom is in the band, Shannon makes the drinks. Got it. Phew.

Anita said...

wow Tammy, I love FIB! You know me so well, what else would I be doing at the beach besides reading or talking, or drinking!!!! Send Shannon over with another round, and Tom, can you play something island sounding, Jimmy Buffet? Bob Marley? You know throw in the steel drums and it's all good!

Brandy said...

Pass me a drink...and make it strong. We're on vacation!

Gibby said...

Rest? Drink? Converse???
Woo hoo!!! I LOVE this party! This is the party that lasts all week, right?

OK, seriously, I am almost banging my head on the keyboard wishing this was really happening.

Off to my liquor cabinet to make it come true. If you don't hear from me tomorrow, you'll know why...

Pam said...

Nothing better than reading on the beach under a pretty beach hat. I sure do wish summer would hurry up! Oh and I'll have another margarita when you get a minute (and I won't even have to bother taking off the spanx in the ladies room!)

Jenny Penny said...

Ahhhh, just up for yet another catnap in the cabana. I stopped over and got a drink from Shannon earlier today. Is there anywhere on the island where I can get my hair done in beaded cornrows, like Bo Derek in 10? No? Oh, well, pass me a bottle of vino, and I'll drink myself up a new look.

FranticMommy said...

LUV the beach idea! I can save some time on the "chatting up the bartender" by repeating an AWESOME quote from blogger One Crazy Chick. Make my drink "Batshit Crazy with a side order of Oh my Gosh Who's in Charge of this Place".
Can I maintain my modesty and lounge in a pair of faded capris and an oversized Hallmark's Maxine t-shirt??? It'll be better that way. Wouldn't want to burn out anybody's retinas with my whiteness!

kel said...

sounds fun!! let me in!