Friday, July 17, 2009

Terrible Things. Dogs. Forks.

I have a dog. My dog is needy. My dog is a golden retriever. There are those who would say that those last two sentences were redundant.

If you come to visit me, my dog will love you. Whoever you may be. She's not very discriminating. Given a choice between a man and a woman she'll go for the man every time. She'd rather not have to choose, though. She wants everyone to love her. She will force you to pet her and she will whine and she will roll onto her back to demonstrate her submission to you. She will make sure your crotch is up to snuff. She will be very very glad that you are here.

She is not a very good watch dog.

Now every time she does this with someone new, I apologize profusely, of course. She is an embarrassment. I always say, "She's just so happy to get some attention. I usually just sit around all day poking her with a fork."* It's my attempt at levity. It's a take off on a Steve Martin line ("I do TERRIBLE things to my dog with a fork").

I have said it so many times that my kids have started saying it.

And then I saw this: **

Holy crap.

I'm going to have to come up with a new line, 'cause there's nothing funny about that one anymore.

*I have NEVER poked my dog or anyone else's dog with a fork!
** 'My' and 'FoxNews' are not words that go together in my house, but it was the best thing I got on my google search after seeing the story on the Today Show this morning.


the girl with the pink teacup said...

Oh my GOD! That poor little puppy dog! My dog has tried to eat forks, but luckily her skull is too thick for anything to penetrate it. At least, so far. Hope that sweet pooch recovers all right...

And bummer about finding a new line. They're so hard to come by these days.

Sandy said...

Oh god I'm gonna go throw up made me look at that photo! When I saw the x-ray on the Today show this morning knowing what was coming, I left the room. I am one of those weenies who can't stand to see an animal hurt.....dead, I can deal.....hurt, nah.

Whew....I'm okay, now....yes, Golden Retriever and Needy are one and the same. Rosey goes with Paul daily so she's almost never alone but when someone comes to the house she acts like she's been in solitary confinement for a month.

Warn me next time you post a photo like that, k?

Dreamgirl said...

Good luck on your datenight!

I'm with your dog - I'll go for the man anytime;)

Just visiting you from SITS - hope you have a great weekend. Feel free to come visit me at SweeterLiving, I love visitors!

Greetings from Spain

Anonymous said...

Holy mother of utensils! That poor chihuahua!

Yea, I guess you better come up with another line. Hmmm, I have time, maybe I can think of something

Anonymous said...

Ow! That hurt! After reading Marley and Me, I don't think I'm lab material. Five boys = 1 lab.

Anonymous said...

As another Golden Retriever owner...yes, these sweet dogs are like overgrown teddy-bear toddlers. They never grow up! You can't get mad at them because they're nothing but love, but, geez, some days I just wish he'd calm down.

My oldest daughter takes him to dog shows. Get him in that ring and he performs perfectly. Get him home and he's a handful again. Sigh.

So now I guess I have to hide the knives and forks from the dog as well as the little kids?...

Mama-Face said...

Yeah, that's not just any fork. It is a FORK. Who does that? Do some people carry forks around in their pocket, just in case? If they stab a dog with a fork, then...shudder.

Our dog loves everything and everybody. I always feel like I need to apologize; as if loving is wrong. He's just so demonstrative. I need to take some lessons from him.

I didn't even know that was a line; when you come up with a new one let us know. I need a line.

Grand Pooba said...

Oh my god! Why did I go there and see that picture! I can't handle hurt puppies! So sad! Poor thing!

Unknown said...

Noooo. It's a good job I'm as tough as old nails or that would have really really upset me.
Blimey Tammy, I come over here for my first visit and am greeted by that!
Will expect something a lot more lighthearted the next time I drop by . . . !

Melissa B. said...

We call them Fox Noise. Or Faux News. Are you sure that's for real? If so, it's very, very sad. But your post, 'til the end, was very, very funny!

Carma Sez said...

I'm thinking perhaps you are using a "spork" ?

The Redhead Riter said...

Poor puppy!

Thanks for visiting and I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Stopping by from SITS to share the blog ♥ !

Have a great Saturday!

Becky said...

Holy Crap! You should put a warning on that. I had NO idea what I was a walking into. (I know, would think I would catch on quicker!)

Well it IS really funny if you DON'T FREAKING MEAN IT! Geesh! I think people know you are joking, but I can see how you would be sensitive to the issue now.

I think I am now too.

Any ways, Thank you for stopping by on my special day yesterday! That was so great! And I see that you live in Ohio too!

Claudya Martinez said...

That made me scream!

Debbie said...

I gotta say I read the comments and decided not to look at the photo. I think it would make me too upset. I'll just focus on how much I like Steve Martin instead.

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

Holy Moly...that looks like he was stabbed.

Vivienne @ the V Spot said...

Holy Shit! (Aye! Carumba!)????

MaryRC said...

oh thats just horrible. ive got the eebie jeebies now. poor puppy.