Thursday, January 14, 2010

Looking for The One

The phone rang, and I ran my fingers through my hair in an attempt to make myself presentable before I answered it. Never mind that the person on the other end of the line couldn't see me - if I was going to be talking to HIM (oh pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease let it be him) I wanted to look my best.

It wasn't him.

I'm sure my mother - who it was - heard the disappointment in my voice.

I'd just met him, but I thought it had gone really well. I liked him and he seemed to like me. When he'd asked to see me again, I was elated. I tried on clothes for an hour before I was confident I'd come up with just the right look. Accessible, but not desperate. Grooming was kicked up a notch as I waxed, polished and buffed myself to a high glow. And it had gone well. "I'll call you", he'd said as we took our leave of each other.

But it wasn't him.

I talked - or rather, listened - to my mother as I retrieved the mail. And there it was. His return address. Oh, nothing about THIS could be good. I opened it before I was back in the house, my hands trembling as I unfolded his note.

blah blah blah - pleasure meeting you - blah blah blah - many qualified applicants - blah blah blah - cannot offer you a position at this time

"I gotta go, Mom."

I hung up the phone and reread his words, surprised that at my age they could still pack such a sting. I thought we liked each other. I thought it was going well. I thought we were such a good fit. We could've been beautiful together...

This of course lead to - of course he didn't want me - why would he want me? I'm too (negative adjective of your choice here) for anyone to want me. I am worthless.

When I felt up to speaking, I shared it with a couple girlfriends who were - to their credit - very sympathetic. "He's crazy!" "He doesn't know what he's missing!" "He doesn't deserve you!" "Plenty of fish in the sea!" That's what girlfriends say. It's their job. And it even sounded kind of believable while the margaritas were still flowing. "Bartender? Another round!" But the next day when I was home alone with nothing but a hangover to keep me company while everyone else was off having a job, well, that sting returned with a vengeance.

I was hurt, then I was angry, then I was despondent. The three stages of a premature break-up. I suppose there are more - revenge sex, acceptance, moving on - those don't all work as well with my analogy. Well, not revenge sex, anyway. Dammit, I can't even have good old fashioned revenge sex! That's the only good part of a break-up! What am I gonna do? Meet a bigger, stronger, better looking but not as smart company in a bar and interview with them right in front of him? Sheesh.

Soon, I know, I won't even remember his name.

But for now it hurts.

Once - when it really WAS a break-up scenario - I was lamenting my situation with my cousin. Her daughter, a toddler at the time who we thought was out of earshot, came over to us with a confused look on her face and asked, "Him not love Tam?"

"He doesn't love Tam." I answered trying to hide my tears from her.

"But", she said, scrunching her face further in her obvious confusion, "EVERYone's gotta love Tam!"

"Not everyone."

She shook her head and frowned, clearly unable to process this information.

But that was long ago and far away.

I'm happily married to a man I adore. I have a family. I have moooooooooved on. It seemed so important once and now it's just a little tagger on the end of a post.

That toddler is in her twenties and I've forgotten his name.

(his name was Scott)


Liz Mays said...

I love the way you ended it with his name like that. He wasn't worthy. I know it!

BONNIE K said...

It can be devastating when you think you really hit it off with the person interviewing you, and then the whole thing kind of dies. I'm lucky I'm employed and not getting that kind of rejection.

Macey said...

Scott and Tammy sounds hinky. Tom and Tammy is much better.
And screw this last one...interviewing sucks. And besides, you are SAD'ing right he's lucky you didn't just go and smack the crap outta him. I had an interview where they told me to consider whether or not I wanted to do the job. It was mine if I wanted it. Then when I called to tell em sure they said, "oh, you want to be considered?" WTF?

Unknown said...

That was a great analogy! Sorry things didn't work out. The right fit is out there somewhere!

Unknown said...

what a great and enjoyable read! good job!

Unknown said...

aboslutely beautifully written.. I agree with your niece Everyone loves Tam

Anonymous said...

Everyone should love Tam and if they don't, screw 'em!!

Keeper of the Skies Wife said...

I laughed so hard at the very end!!

Pam said...

Tammy, I'm assuming this phone call was recent. I'm sorry you didn't get the job. Interviewing and looking for a job can be soul-sucking and demoralizing, especially when you're expecting good news. Wishing you good luck in your job search.

Becky said...

Mimi is cracking me up.

I love the way you write.

It is so hard to have thick enough skin for this life sometimes, isn't it?

Unknown said...

You write so very well. I"m sorry you didn't get the job..hang in there.

sitting on the mood swing at the playground said...

I agree with your niece...everybody should love Tam. What a great analogy. I can't wait for you to forget this guy's will be sooner than you thin,.

Bibi @ Bibi's Culinary Journey said...

Never saw the it coming....the ending. Very cute post and you were too good for him anyway.

Sandy said...

Looking for a job sucks. His loss. In my business I am basically always interviewing for jobs, it gets a little easier after a while. But not getting the job (or listing in my case) still rots.

Allison said...

It just occurred to me how much interviewing is like a first date! Love this post and that you finished up with his name is cracking me up right now. I don't remember my stupid ex either

(His name was Lee)

I'm sorry you didn't get it but if they didn't see the greatness that is Tammy then screw em! :)

Cassie said...

Everybody loves Tam !!!
Interviewing is a real drag. Sucks balls more when you are having a hard time with SAD. I am sure that any employer would be lucky to have you. I am a firm believe in the philosophy of if it was/is meant to be it will be. I know it can be hard the waiting the anticipation and all, but truly all you can do is your best. If it doesn't pan out that just means the right fit just hasn't made it's way to you yet. Who knows maybe you will win the lottery and become independently wealthy and can buy one of the companies that turned you down. Then fire them all Buwahahahaha. Keep your chin up sister. We love ya :o)

Brandy said...

Aww I'm sorry chica! No worries just means there is something BETTER out there for you. It's their loss not to hire someone as fab as you!

Belle (from Life of a...) said...

So sorry about that! My son went through the same thing for months but then FINALLY, the right one came along. An offer that was WAY better than any of the others who had not been able to offer him "a position at this time." Hang in there...good things are coming, I have no doubt.

dkWells said...

Another great story! Miss you at the KMSA!

Sir Hook of Warrick

Allyson said...

Do you know how much I HATE an interview?? I hate it like broccoli and ice storms and rain on a vacation all rolled into one. Rejection sucks, regardless of where it's coming from...but rejection when you least expect it is the work of the devil. I could tell you that God closed a door because he'd decided to open a window, but really want you right now is revenge sex and a pitcher of vodka. I totally get it. Someday you'll have to read this post to remember that you even interviewed for the job. Until then, cheers and bottoms up!

Anonymous said...

Breaking up is hard to do.

And interviewing is just painful

Claudya Martinez said...

I'm sure your hair looked fantastic when you went to get the phone.

Everybody who is anybody does love Tam. I mean Mrs. Tom.

Jenni said...

Scott was a douche. ;-)

Traci said...

But she's right. EVERYone's got to love Tam! I know I do.
So sorry for the disappointment. I wish I had a job to offer -- I kinda need one myself.

And your girlfriends are right. That's why we have girlfriends -- to remind us that we are "Good enough. Smart enough. And gosh, darnit, people like us."

So mourn for the day and then bask in all the love we are sending you via the internet. I'll be looking forward to the Yay, Yay, Yay post.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Terrific analogy Tammy. Those letters are hard to receive. But it's even worse when you think things went so well and you hear nothing. Those are even bigger jerks. Ugh.

Your blog is a fave of mine. You always deliver a great read. Thank you!

Badass Geek said...

We always want things to work out in a certain way, but years after they didn't work out in that particular manner, we find ourselves satisfied nonetheless.

Debbie said...

You are so fun! So sorry about the fool who didn't know quality when it was right before him.

tattytiara said...

I do love your way of looking at things my dear.

Mandy said...

I'm sorry sweetie! I wondered about the job?! I know how heartbroken you must feel. Really I do. I've cried over not getting three different jobs before. But, and I know this so cliche, but maybe it just isn't the right one for you even though you want it to be. Still it stings like a bee. Aaaaahhhhh! Ok, let out some of my frustrations too. Wish I could've had some maragaritas with you though! Keep trying and keep looking b/c yes Everyone is gotta love Tam at some point, even if they don't know/realize it yet.

(Ps. - Sorry I'm late with this post too. Your site hasn't been loading right for me???)