Sunday, November 15, 2009

He's Still Preoccupied With Number Eighty-Five

So my mother hates Joe Paterno. No, wait, that's harsh. My mother hates Joe Paterno's glasses. I mean she has really strong feelings about those glasses. My dad will casually mention Joe Pa, and my mom will go off. "How can you even listen to him when he's wearing those stupid glasses? They're so stupid! I can't even pay attention to what he's saying because his glasses are so stupid." Sometimes she'll even punch her fist into her palm for emphasis. She becomes visibly agitated when he is interviewed. "He is so ridiculous! What is he trying to prove with those stupid glasses?"

The last time my dad was due for new specs, he casually announced, "I'm hoping they have some nice frames like Joe Paterno's."

"I'll divorce you."

They've been married for fifty-one years and have weathered many a storm, but this, apparently, would have been an unforgiveable offense.

"Why would you even SAY that? Oooooh! He looks so STUPID in those glasses. Why he would wear those stupid glasses I'll never know."

I guess there's no accounting for what we decide to get passionate about.

Lately my husband has been demonstrating a similar preoccupation with Chad Ochocinco, wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals. It started out innocently (and logically) enough. "What kind of a douche legally changes his name to his jersey number?" I had no answer for that. It did seem like a sort of - well - douchey thing to do. I imagine many folks asked themselves and perhaps their significant others the same question, or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

But that wasn't the end of it. Almost every time Ochocinco is mentioned, Tom will say some variation of, "What an idiot. Ochocinco. What kind of stupid name is that?" or, "So what happens if he goes to another team and number 85 has been retired? What're you gonna do then, OCHOCINCO? Stupid."

I have taken to answering his outbursts with, "His name is almost as stupid as Joe Paterno's glasses."

Comparing Tom to my mother usually buys me - and Ochocinco - a few moments of respite. But just a few. Because sooner or later, Tom will be shaking his head again and saying, "Ochocinco. Idiot." He tries to say it quietly, but I still hear him.

If I ever want him to divorce me, I'll just have to legally change my name to a number. If I want to be divorced and disowned, I can change my name to a number and get myself some big glasses.

Good to know.


Liz Mays said...

I had to look up the glasses and your mom has a valid point!

This was hilarious!!! Your family is a hoot!

Mike said...

I agree 100% with your hubby! But your mom is crazy! LMAO!!

Macey said...

That's awesome. I'm gonna have to google Joe Paterno!
Ochocinco is a complete douche. Well, okay, he's and OSU boy, so I love him, but he changed his name to Ochocinco, so I hate him. Does that make sense? He's a tard. : )

Sandy said...
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Sandy said...

Despite never having heard of either Joe or Chad, that was still pretty funny.

Tracie said...

If your 'not a book but a project' is half as good as this was, it will be a terrific read. (Have you thought about doing a sitcom script based on your family?)

Mama-Face said...

I am with your Mom....haha. I would never have guessed! so funny.

You don't know how many times I had to say that name and spell that name to figure out what the heck was going on!! ochocinco...hilarious!!!!!! And vain. And STUPID.

bahaha. good one tammy. What I meant to say is:

Linda said...

So funny! Sorry to say I don't know what Joe's glasses look like. I'm off to look it up right now!

Allison said...

So funny!

I have to admit I have the same sort of passion against Brian Urlacher of the Bears. Whenever I watch with hubby I always make fun of him. I hate it when the commentators act like he's the greatest thing since sliced bread, they talk about him like he's a god. I think hubby's just glad I watch with him sometimes, even if I'm making fun of the players!

M.E. Greene said...

This post totally cracked me up. I love it!

Traci said...

Wow! The glasses are bad but not nearly so as renaming oneself Ochocinco.

I'm not a football person so I was unaware of this bizarre choice. Too funny.

MaryRC said...

Tom has a point. I feel the same way about Carrot Top... got plastic? stupid man.. body dis-morphic disorder written all over him.

Claudya Martinez said...

I'm having my name legally changed to Unknown Mami and I am in the market for a new pair of glasses.

Unknown said...

I'm sure I drive Mr. Sister crazy with the things I like to ruminate about!

I looked up Joe Paterno and went "Huh?" He's just wearing "old man" glasses. Tell your mom big frames are back in style! LOL!

Ochocinco? You're serious? Yeah, that's pretty stupid. But there's nothing your dear hubby can do about it so he needs to take a deep breath and let it go.

This post was truly hilarious!

♥ Braja said...

You got Bengals over there??? Now you're spookin' me :))

the girl in the Bengal village

SparkleFarkel said...

No kidding, I saw Joe Paterno in the news, recently, and thought the very same thing. Why older gents think they have to sentence themselves to Aviator frames is beyond me. When a guy wears those, you can't even see his mouth moving when he's talking, let alone hear him, because they are so distracting. The focus is all about the glasses: Will he soon fall forward with the weight of them? Is he more likely to be hit by lightening? Should I run for my life, just in case?

Joe: It starts with the man in the mirror. Do us all a favor and get one. (LOL!)

Matt the Bass Player said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Matt the Bass Player said...

what would happen if "preoccupied with ochocinco" traded in his oh so trendy pair of glasses and got himself a pair just like joe-pa?

even better, what would happen if your entire family dressed as joe-pa for halloween next year? and wore ochocinco jerseys?

Together We Save said...

Ok I totally agree with your mom! I can not look at the TV when he is on. Those glasses kill me!!

Joanna Jenkins said...

I'm with your Mom on this one :-)

Isn't football season great-- guys, tight pants, glasses, all in one place.


Anonymous said...

My husband is from Pittsburgh area so he loves PennState and the Steelers with an intensity I couldn't even imagine before I met him. (He also hates the Browns and Bengals).

This whole post just cracked me up (and I was proud I actually got all the sports references and I even know what Joe's ugly glasses look like. I'm with your mom on this one.)

Badass Geek said...

Always good to have an escape route planned.

Anonymous said...

Now both of those are hilarious. My husband usually comes up with the catch phrase of the day...and keeps saying it until I say I'm going to divorce him!! I have to say I agree with your Mom and your hubs!!

Gibby said...

I've always wondered why no one close to Joe has said, "Dude! You need some new glasses!"

And as for Ochocinco...CANNOT stand that name change. So incredibly dumb. If I was a sports announcer I would laugh every time I had to call his name. Tom is right...I hope Chad goes to a new team that already has an 85 and has to duke it out just to retain his "name."

Housewife Savant said...

I had to Google Paterno. I had him mixed up with a half-dozen other geezers from the Bad Glasses Club. Douches all.
Tony Robbins gets me. I proclaim he is the antiChrist every time I see him.
I proclaim it with certainty.
I shouldn't need to explain it. You can tell, can'tcha Tammy? or does he need big, silly-looking glasses and a ridiculous name?

Sara said...

This sounds just like my family, except my dad likes to select various members of the Ravens and follow someone's name with, "...and he should be in jail."

Stacy Uncorked said...

Your mom cracks me up - both hubby and I have commented on the ridiculous glasses Joe wears. ;)

Ochocinco is ridiculous. 'nuff said. ;)

Alexandra said...

Ha ha!
That was so much fun to read.
(Stopping by from SITS).
I agree with your husband, though. And those glasses, oh my!
Not a good enough reason for a divorce, but still, quite an eye sore.


Laurie said...

Funny! Visiting you from SITS today. My oldest just came home from college for Thanksgiving. It's his freshman year so we haven't seen him since August. I've caught him looking at me funny a couple of times. I'm probably turning into your mom! Note to self: don't obsess on things and don't say same thing repeatedly.

In all fairness, I do think they're both right--the glasses are really stupid and changing your name to a number?? OMG that's up there with [symbol] ..."the artist formerly known as Prince"!!!!!!

Happy SITS day!